Scratches in the desert sand

20 May 04

Well it felt like I hit a wall to day. Don't know how to describe it. The day started okay, planned the Memorial day ceremony, I think MSG Chisholm, kind of set me off. When she talked about the program, she acted like it was life and death, and it was so important and everybody was watching and she seemed so serious. I want to say it didn't have any effect on me, but I think I got me to feeling nervous and doubting myself and I just wanted to freeze and not do anything. But I do think she triggered something that was already there. I was having trouble focusing and felt figity. So I spent most of the day wandering around not knowing what I wanted to do. I finallyset myself down and read. Which helped. I wasn't being productive as far as work goes but I was doing something that made me feel like I wasn't wasting time. I walked to dinner by my self and ate alone. I didn't really mind, because I just didn't have it in me to talk. I didn't go down to my buddy's room either. I keep thinking about how much longer I have to go. I can't do that. It will drive me to despair. But it would also help to plan my days. Schedule times to do things like PT. So tonight before I go to bed I am going to plan what I want to do with my time. See where that takes me.
I watched a lovely sunset tonight. I must have been the first time I sat in this chair at that time of day. The sun sets right out in my window. It was very nice to watch. It made me think , as starnge as it may sound, of the soldiers in the book I am reading on WWI. There was a battle south of Bagdad on the Tigrus River, near Kut I think. The battle plan was ill concieved and the soldiers were miles away from the base of support. They were trapped by the Turks, and suffer a very long seige. The English were not able to muster enough troops to break the seige and the Truks refused the terms for surrender. The soldiers finnally had to surrender and were forced in to labor camps where many of them died. Well, as I was looking at the sunset I wondered how many of them looked at the same sunset. Most probably never wanted to see a sunset in Iraq. That's kind of morbid, but it made me think of them,and I find myself wondering if I am going to get out of here alive. Certainly my situation would say that I will. I am safe not out on the roads, but it is a dangerous place and unexpected things can happen. And There are people out there who do want to kill us. But I can't say I dwell on it. It just comes to mind. I think it is a good thing to remind your self of the reality you are in. I don't want to get to thinking this is a safe place and I don't have to worry, assuming that nothing is going to happen. That is when things happen, because you are not watching close enough to avoid the unexpected. Feeling tired now think I will go to bed.