I knew this would happen...

my head

It kills me, my never ending noise. It seems that there is always something playing in my head, I guess so I can't hear the thoughts in my head so well? I don't know, all I know is that I cannot keep any thoughts in my head. In fact, I am starting to believe that this is a journal of my demise. A journal of my journey to what feels like my death.

I remember a few years ago, when I felt I had my life back on track, I called my sister. I had to thank her for saving my life after an attempted suicide when I was in my late teens. I had to thank her for giving me the life I have now, the children I am so proud of, and at the time, a body I worked hard on too.

Yet here I am now, hating myself again, following that all too familiar path and wondering how I got so far only to end up on a road that looks the same, feels the same and is just as hard on me, maybe even harder. It's like when I go for a drive to pass the time, I like to go down roads I don't know, finding that beautiful picturesque landscape, but ultimatly ending up on that familiar road home.

I don't want... to see the disappointment on my childrens face because mommy is so depressed that she won't even get out of bed today, and when she does all she does is yell. How did I go from protecting my kids from the constant berating, to finding fault in everything?

I love my kids, I know I do, yet I have had trouble finding the love I had, the understanding and the patience since... I don't want to say it because I am so ashamed, but I know what it is. Three years ago, and I just can't get past it. I just can't, they say I have to forgive myself, but that just doesn't seem to happen. How can someone like me really love anyone. I sure don't deserve my kids, and what am I doing to them now?

I chose this life?
I know what I can do to change it, I am just too afraid, I have to end this, I really do, I didn't even read back tonight like I always do, because I know how bad it is, how bad it has been.