Fearful Passion

Chapter Ten

Caroline awoke the next morning to an empty bed. She grabbed Joshua’s pillow and wrapped her arms around it, inhaling his scent. Finally, she decided to get up and see if she could find him. She quickly got dressed and went downstairs. She looked around the dining room, but saw no sign of him. She stopped a waitress walking by.

“Goodmorning Mistress. What can I do for you?”

Caroline asked, “Have you seen the man I’m with?”

“The handsome fellow? Sure, he left pretty early this morning. Said he’d be back shortly. He had a few things to attend to.”

“Thank you,” Caroline replied and headed back up the stairs.

What could he possibly have to do? Her heart sank at the possibility of what her mind was telling her. Would he still mail that letter to her father after all that had happened between them? She reached her room and closed the door behind her. She sat down upon one of the chairs in the room and anxiously awaited his return.

About half an hour later, Joshua returned and opened the door. Caroline still sat in her chair watching him as he came through the doorway. Joshua smiled at her and closed the door behind him.

“Where have you been?” she asked as sweetly as she could.

“I had a few errands to run. Have you eaten anything this morning? I can have it brought up if you’d like,” Joshua replied.

“I’ve had a loss of appetite this morning. What kind of errands did you have? Send off any mail?” she asked.

“As a matter of fact yes. What’s wrong?” he asked confused.

“Did you mail the letter to my father? You’ve gotten what you want and now you’re ready to get rid of me. Was that your plan all along? Play on the heart of the poor little rich girl, take what she could give, and then ransom her off for more?” she asked, contempt in her eyes.

“What are you talking about? I would never do anything like that. Caroline haven’t you realized yet that I’m in love with you? I don’t want to ransom you off and never see you again. I want you with me the rest of my life,” he replied. “How could you think anything like that after all we’ve just done?”

“How could I not have it worrying on my mind? All of this that has happened since you abducted me from England has made my head swirl. How am I to know if you’re sincere or if it’s all another ploy?” she asked.

“If you can’t think to trust me after last night, then I think I had better take you on home then. It seems nothing will ever change your mind about me, will it, love? I’ve tried my best to show you that I actually care about you, but you could care less. We’ll leave dock as soon as we can get our things together and our business here done,” he said turning on his heel and walking back out of her door.

Caroline fell on the bed after he was gone and sobbed into the pillow. She was so confused. She didn’t know what to believe anymore. She wanted to stay with him and believe he really truly loved her, but could she trust him? He had twisted her trust at every turn, but the look in his eyes when she told him she couldn’t trust him, hurt her like a knife. She saw genuine sadness in those eyes, not just a show. She had to figure this out and decide what she wanted to do. If only everything had started out differently. Joshua came back in just as she was heading out to find him. He flung open the door and she jumped back.

“We’re setting sail now. Unfortunately, we have to make another stop before we reach your home. It will take us three months to reach it by sea. I apologize in advance,” Joshua said.

Then, grabbing a map off of his desk, he stormed back out of the room and up to the deck. Caroline wanted to follow him and throw her arms around him and tell him how sorry she was, but she wasn’t quite sure she had anything to be sorry of just yet. She decided against following after him and sat down at the table, her head in her hands and sobbed quietly.

Later during the night, she had moved to the bed and fallen asleep. Joshua had been about to storm into the room like earlier, but when he heard the silence, he carefully opened the door. He saw Caroline asleep on the bed, her face stained with tears. He wanted to go to her and comfort her, but he knew he was the reason for them. She wouldn’t want his company if she thought he was just using her. He wasn’t using her though. He loved her. It felt like a knife had tore through his heart when she accused him of just using her. Why couldn’t she realize the truth and just love him back? He thought she had there for a moment, but apparently it had been all for naught. He silently closed the door and left the room.

The next few weeks were strained. Caroline couldn’t stand hiding away in her room after the first few days. She came up to the deck and looked out over the ocean. She tried to speak with Joshua, but he would never look at her and kept busy while she was on deck. He didn’t want anything more to do with her. Her heart wrenched in her chest every time she saw him. She did love him and wanted to believe he loved her, but she just didn’t know anymore. After a month had passed, Caroline realized she had a problem. She hadn’t received her flux this month. She was well past when it should have arrived. She paced back and forth in her room trying to quickly refigure the days, but she had been correct. She was going on two weeks late.

She sat down to figure out what this would all mean. Should she tell him and see what he would do or keep it to herself and let him go? This really complicated her whole decision. Her stomach growled in response. She left her room in response to find some breakfast. She went to the kitchen and found some bread and an apple. As she ate, she thought until she had come to a decision. She would keep it to herself. She knew this man was not one to be tied down and she didn’t want him hating her the rest of his life. Yes, she would definitely keep it to herself. As she had made up her mind, Joshua came into the room searching for something to eat. He stopped when he saw her sitting alone at the table.

“Good morning,” she said to him. “I have some extra bread here if you’d like it.”

“Thank you,” he replied and stood across from her to take the bread.

He made to leave, but Caroline motioned for the chair next to him. He looked down at it and then back at her.

“Are you sure? There’s no one here to see me take advantage of you,” he replied sarcastically.

“Joshua, I’m sorry for a lot of things that have happened since I met you. I’m even sorry I’ve become such a burden upon you, but know this, I am not sorry for meeting you or of what happened between us at the inn. Do you understand?” she asked getting up and walking out of the room.

Joshua stared after her, “Caroline, wait.”

She paused, without turning around, “There’s nothing else to be said.” Then, she walked back to her room in silence, sadness filling every inch of her.

By the next week, she was waking up and running to the chamber pot. Her stomach heaved with every wave the ship crashed through. Joshua walked in to bring her some food and caught her finishing up this morning. She looked up at him and her face had broken out in a sweat. He quickly put the food on the table and got a washcloth and wet it in the basin and wiped her face. Caroline allowed him to do so only because she had no energy to stop him.

“Are you alright? What is wrong?” he asked concerned.

“I think I’m just getting a little seasick is all,” Caroline replied.

“But you’ve been on this ship for a few months now, you haven’t gotten sick before,” he reasoned.

“Maybe it’s just being on the water prolonged and feeling the waves heave up and down,” with these words Caroline leaned over once more to the pot.

Joshua continued to wipe her neck and face and when she had finished, he lifted her up and placed her in the bed.

“The next land we see we’ll stop for a day or two until you’re well enough to continue,” he replied.

“No, no I will be fine,” Caroline said although some solid land sounded good to her.

“No, we will stop. We could all probably use some time on solid ground. Do you think you might want something to nibble on?”

“No,” Caroline said. “I don’t even want to think about food right now.”

“Alright, well you just rest then. We should be reaching land by nightfall,” Joshua said. “I’ll come retrieve you when we arrive.”

Caroline couldn’t argue. She just closed her eyes and fell back to sleep. Joshua rubbed her face once more with the washcloth and then stood to head back up. He shut the door behind him and walked back up the stairs to the deck. A few hours later, Caroline woke up but this time didn’t have to run to the chamber pot. She was actually hungry. She noticed someone had put a fresh plate of food on the table and she went over to inspect and began eating.

Joshua came in shortly after, “We made it ahead of schedule, so now we have time to find a nice inn before nightfall. I’m glad to see you have some appetite now. Maybe it was just a little queasiness.”

“Yes, that must be what it was. A little time on land wouldn’t hurt though,” Caroline said.

“Well, are you ready to go then? Byron will escort you to the inn,” Joshua said.

“Will you not be coming?” she asked.

“Byron will be the perfect gentleman for you. I prefer to sleep on my ship,” he replied.

Then he walked out of the room and Byron appeared at her door, “Are you ready to go mistress?”

“He’s still mad at me I suppose?” Caroline asked.

“I don’t get involved in Captain Joshua’s affairs. I do not know what transponded between the two of you, but you have most definitely put the Captain in a sore mood. He has not had a nice word for the whole crew since we arrived back on the boat from the last town,” Byron commented.

“I’m truly sorry, Byron. I don’t know how I can make amends. Let’s just go on to the inn. Maybe if I’m out of his sights for a few days, he’ll calm down.”

They walked out of the cabin and up to the deck. Then, they walked down the gangplank to the dock. Byron placed his arm out for Caroline to use to steady herself as they walked through the town. When they reached the inn, Byron paid for two rooms and ordered some things to eat for them and they sat at a table. Caroline just picked at her food when it came, but Byron ate his hungrily.

“Joshua told us you weren’t feeling well. Are you still feeling under the weather? Would you like to go on up and lie down?” Byron asked.

“No, I’m fine. I was just thinking,” Caroline replied and brought a bite of food to her mouth.

“Mistress, if I may overstep my boundaries for a moment I’d like to ask you a question,” Byron said.

“No, please. You won’t be overstepping anything,” she replied.

“Are you with child?” he asked.

Caroline stared dumbfounded, “What would make you ask that?”

“I’ve heard you sick in the mornings for the last week and then the rest of the day you seem fine. I also noticed you haven’t had to use any rags for your flux since we’ve been onboard. You should’ve had to have them by now.”

“You’re very perceptive. How did you know the signs?” Caroline asked.

“I have three sisters who have all had plenty of babes. I could tell from a mile away,” he replied smiling.

“You won’t tell Joshua will you? I don’t want him to know,” Caroline pleaded.

“Your secret is safe, but I think the Captain has a right to know. You should tell him.”

“I can’t though. Can’t you see that? I don’t want to tie him down. I don’t want him to hate me and the baby for the rest of his life,” Caroline replied.

“I don’t think he could hate you Miss Caroline. He seems to love you very much and I believe you love him too.”

“I do, but I can’t trust him. How do I know he still isn’t using me for ransom, Byron? How can I trust him when that was what he intended in the beginning?”

“He’s not using you for ransom. He only wrote that letter in the first place to appease the rest of the men. He would never have mailed it. He would never use you like that,” Byron said.

Caroline looked at him trying to decipher everything she just heard. Apparently she was the one who had been foolish and now she had harmed the bond between herself and Joshua.

“I think I will go up and lie down now, Byron. Thank you for keeping my secret,” Caroline said and headed up the stairs to the rooms.

She walked into her room and laid herself across her bed. She put her hands on her stomach as if asking for help from the growing child inside her. Byron knocked on her door a little while later to make sure she was ok and if she needed anything. She leaned up and hugged him and kissed his cheek in gratitude. Joshua walked in on the scene and immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion.

“So, that’s what it was all about. You had tired of me and have found someone else to play your mind games on. Is that it? I’m not letting you do the same to my best friend as you’ve done to me these past months,” Joshua fumed.

He walked towards Caroline and intended to slap her across her face and teach her a lesson. Caroline smelled the whiskey on him before he even came close to her. He raised his fist as he reached her, but Byron caught it in his hand.

“You do not want to harm her, Joshua. What you think you saw was a mistake. She was just thanking me for helping her. Nothing more,” Byron said.

“You expect me to believe that? This, this,” Joshua dove towards her as if to strike at her again.

“You will not harm her. Go back to the ship and sleep this mess off,” Byron said.

“Why are you being so protective? She is your little whore now isn’t she?” Joshua asked.

“No, she’s not Joshua. I’m being protective because she’s with child!” Byron yelled.

Joshua stopped and stared at him as if he spoke another language.

“Your child, Joshua. I’m sorry Caroline. He needed to know,” Byron said.

Joshua looked at Caroline and fell to the ground. Tears ran down her face as she watched his drunken state.

“My child?” Joshua asked sobering up quickly.

“Yes, Joshua,” Caroline replied.

He stood himself up and walked to her. Caroline flinched but didn’t move. Byron watched closely.

“Our child?” he asked again.

“Yes,” Caroline said putting her hands on her stomach to protect.

Joshua grabbed her and hugged her tightly, “I’m going to be a father!” He quickly moved her to the bed and sat her down.

Byron left the room when he saw Joshua was back to his senses and Caroline was in no danger.

“I’m so sorry for those hateful things I just said. I was furiously jealous when I came in and saw your arms around Byron. Please forgive me, darling. Can I get you anything? Anything your heart desires it’s yours,” Joshua said. “Are you hungry? Thirsty? Comfortable?”

“Joshua, I’m fine. I don’t need anything. I was so scared to tell you. I didn’t know how you’d react, whether you’d hate me or what. Please tell me you don’t hate me,” Caroline cried.

“Hate you? How could I hate you? I love you so much. When I thought you were in the arms of another man I was furious. It cut my heart into a million pieces,” he said.

“I would never be in anyone else’s arms but yours, Joshua. I was a fool to not trust you.”

“How long have you known?” Joshua asked her placing his hand over hers on her stomach.

“Only a few weeks,” Caroline replied.

“Tomorrow we find a priest and we get married. Then, I take you home to your father to tell him the wonderful news and I jump at your every whim,” Joshua replied.

“Why are you marrying me Joshua?” Caroline asked.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“I mean are you marrying me because of the baby or because you love me?” she asked.

“I’ve been thinking of every way possible these past few weeks I could make you trust me and marry me. Now we have the perfect reason not only for love, but for our child. Our beautiful, wonderful child that you carry inside you,” he replied. “Oh, Caroline, I love you and I want to marry you. Say you’ll be my wife.”

Caroline smiled, tears refilling her eyes, “I’ll marry you.”

“Thank you dear god. Thank you. He kissed Caroline passionately on the lips. He laid her back on the bed and began kissing her furiously.

Caroline murmured something and Joshua sat up, “What’s wrong? Can we not do this with the baby? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine and we can do anything we want, it’s only you’re on my hair,” Caroline replied smiling.

“I’m sorry, my darling.” He stroked her face and they began kissing once again.

After their lovemaking, Joshua propped up on his arm and stared down at his sleeping angel. His eyes roamed over her body and stopped at her still small belly. Soon it would be bulging big with his child inside. He placed his hand over it and felt Caroline’s soft skin and warmth. Caroline opened her eyes and watched him. Then, she moved her hand over his and smiled up at him.