When Life Goes Wrong

Happy New Year?

2005 I've decided would be a less dramatic more productive year for me. Yesterday was January 1st and it was a pretty good day. It was a little tiring with all of the people over to have my mom's good old traditional Japanese cooking. She was a little anxious even though she's done this dinner before. We talked a little and it just reminded her of mother. My grandmother was one of the kindest people you could ever meet. She was the center of our family. Everyone stayed close and attached because of her. When she died the family fell apart and went their separate ways. It's the way it goes I guess. When my grandmother died the news was filled with stories of earthquake in Kobe, Japan. All you saw on all of the channels were reports of the damage an counts on the number of dead. We lived in Okinawa, Japan at the time, so we were no where near the danger but we had family who were there so of course it was a scary time. Then suddenly our focus was on my grandmother. She was walking up some stairs and when she got to the top she collapsed and that was it.

So anyway, I was talking to my mom and she was having a hard time this New Year's day because first when you think of New Year's traditions and dinner you think of grandma. Then the other thing that made it difficult on both of us was all of the news reports on the tsunami in the Indian Sea. It's totally different, but it feels the same. For me it's depressing to see all of the bodies in the plastic bags and the pictures of bloated dead people. That's hard enough. But I find myself thinking of my grandmother too when I watch the news. She died on January 17, 1995.

So my mother and me are both running around in kind of a daze of emotions this weekend. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I just want to cry. There's been so much going on in the last few months and my relationship with my mother is starting to break down. I've even had thoughts that it almost wound matter if I never saw her again, but I know it's not true. When she dies I will probably be the most difficult time of my life. I don't know if I'll make it past that. But my anger towards her is something I know I've felt for a very long time. Mostly as a child and teenager. She never hurt me or tried to bring me down. She was never there to do that. She was on one gambling spree or another and left us many times to fend for ourselves.

When I look back, I probably thought it was fun when mom and dad were both out, but usually dad was home at some point. Drunk or pissed off. The funny thing is, I don't remember my childhood being that bad. I always think back and think it was probably pretty great. Sometimes things like this just come up and I'll remember something that wasn't so great. One moment in time though doesn't count for a whole period of time. The past is funny like that though, it's always easier to remember the bad. I hope there was more good then bad. I'm sure there was.

Today is the second, and it started out pretty okay. This afternoon though, I got a call from Daniel, a co-worker at the boys home. I'm on call this week so I figured it was just another call about a kid getting into some sort of mischief. But it wasn't. He called to tell me that Kelly and Jodi and their children had been in a bad car accident. They work at another of our homes in Enid. Kelly was taken to Tulsa. The only news he knew was that Kelly couldn't feel anything below his neck. We're not sure what that means. All we know is that it is very serious. Jodi, didn't get hurt at all but her oldest daughter broke her collerbone. The babies were fine. They had only some minor bruising. So Jodi is with her children in Enid, since her oldest daughter is being treated in a local hospital.

Adam a friend who works at the children's home in Tahlequah has gone down to be with Kelly, since he's alone. I tried calling Daniel, but I can't reach him. He's got a cottage full of boys, so he couldn't go and probably had some type of activities to do with them. I'm thinking about going to the hospital in Tulsa, but there isn't much I can do and the weather's kind of bad. Tulsa is about an hour and 45 minutes away from here. I'm getting antsy so I may just go anyway. My nerves are on edge. I can't imagine what Jodi is going through. She can't be there with husband. I know it's very hard on her. I hope things turn out for the best and Kelly gets through this without any major problems.

So much for not having as much drama in 2005. So far this doesn't even count for the stuff I'm going to be dealing with at the counselor's office. I'm sure glad I talked to the doctor about not wanting to have anymore therapy that digs in the past. He referred me to another counselor. He called her a cognitive behavior counselor. He was actually almost excited about it. It's supposed to be counseling that deals with the hear and now and teaches you how to deal with life as it comes. At least that's what I heard. If that's what he said....well that's probably a different story. I guess I better look up this kind of therapy on the internet.

I can't deal with past and present. All I want to know is why I'm so touchy all of the sudden. I've been so emotional since September. I'm missing people who have been dead for years. I'm talking about them. I'm dreaming of being with them. Life is getting to be to hard. But on this end I have a husband who is wonderful and I can't leave him. So no, this is not me saying I'm going to kill myself or anything. This is just me wondering why things happen the way they do.

I really hope that Kelly doesn't die. I hope it's not that bad. But it always baffles me that people who are so full of life and so ready to live it, end up dying or getting so severly injured that life is not normal or the same as it was. And you have people like me, who just sometimes wished people would leave me alone and lecture me about wanting to die sometimes. I don't understand why their is a whole profession of doctors and hospital workers who deal mainly with saving people who don't even want to live. It seems like that is just a waste of talent and manpower. Spend the energy and the money on those who want to live and through no fault of their own, need help. To me that makes sense.

I'm just tired. I'm so tired and I don't know why. I'm thirty and should be in middle of some of the best years of my life. And I am. I would never want to live childhood or my teen years again. This is actually the best time of my life. I have a great job, great husband and great in-laws. Lifewise things get better by the day. Mentally and emotionally, I feel like I'm being ripped apart piece by piece from the inside out and I don't know how long I can hang on.

The sad part is that the last time I felt remotely like this, I was about 15 or 16. And for the next 15 years I've held it together, put all of the baggage in the past, and actually started to succeed in life. I don't even know what happened. One I was fine and the next I'm like this.

I guess it's still early in the year, it has to be good year.