When Life Goes Wrong

Death is in the air

We're into the 3rd day of the New Year. I'm at work and instead of the feeling of hope for a fresh start there's just a quiet sadness. We found out today that last night Bobbie died. She had been battling cancer for about 6 or 8 months. It seemed to go so fast. Her family was just setting up hospice help for her last week. I feel so sorry for Debbie. Her and her mom were so close and the doctors had told her that it would probably be another couple of months. So planned to spend every minute she could, but it turned out that there wasn't that long after all.

The latest on Kelly is that he is going to have surgery tonight at 6PM and they were still saying 5% chance of him walking again. Then about 10:30AM we got a call saying that they put him on a ventilator because he was having trouble breathing on his own. He can't die. It's bad enough that he may never walk, but what about his family. They just had the little boy a couple of months ago. It doesn't seem like life is supposed to be going this way for them. They have three children.

None of the stuff is happening to me directly, but it's affecting me weird. I feel like I'm in my own little world of chaos and I feel myself unraveling. I can't really even bring myself to be in "work mode". Ron our maintenance coordinator calls me "smiley" and I get a lot of comments about pep and spunk. I can usually cover so well. But I don't have any strenth in me. I feel heavy and I want to cry and I want things to end. I wish someone could turn off the switch in my head. All I can think about is people dying. I'm worried that Tim is going to have an accident, I'm worried about some of my co-workers who rushed out of the office a little while ago to be with Kelly's family. What if they get into an accident. Those are the kinds of thoughts that keep coming through. I should be more able to consentrate on not thinking about those things. I don't where the switch is to stop it. I can feel my heartbeat going faster and faster. I know what that means. But I'm determined today not to let it happen. No panic attacks. It's just fear and I can get over it. I have my door closed to my office today. I can't be around people. Which is sad because it seems like the rest of the office staff are trying to comfort each other and be together. But they're so sad. If I cry in front of them I'll break down. I know it. I can't cry. That would be the end of my sanity.

For whatever reason during my appointment with the psychiatrist the other day I started to cry a little. It made me so mad. If I can help it at all I promised myself that I wouldn't cry in front of any men. I never want this doctor to see me cry. I need him to believe I'm okay, that I'm not crazy. He doesn't really know me anyway. I don't understand how after one meeting with him, he could diagnos me with anything. He asked some questions and that was it. He doesn't need to see me, but for some reason he intimdates me and and I can't do the "upbeat" thing I can usually do with other people. I just want to get in and out of his office. I don't think he really gives a shit anyway. He's there to prescribe drugs to an adult who should have her crap together. I think that may be the whole deal with him. He is a child/teen psychiatrist. I think the hospital set me up with him because he was the only one that had an opening. He's not a bad doctor. He's actually pretty good. He's getting me on track with meds. He answers my questions, he's just very uniterested. Uninterested isn't the right word. I think mechanical is a better word. I don't really want to see anyone else, but I'm sure he'll boot me sooner or later. He works with kids not crazy adults.

This doctor has dx'd me with PTSD, MDD, and GAD. I think that's what he has written down anyway. His writing on that sheet I get is horrible. Anyway I was reading on the internet that Major depressive disorder or whatever it's called is actually under the "Mental Illness". This is why I never wanted to talk to a psychiatrist. Now I have some label that says I'm mental. I didn't see that with the PTSD or GAD, but as far as he's concerned it will not go away. I can learn to control my responses or something like that. I this because I asked him if I do the counseling like he says to will the PTSD go away. you know what he said? "You want the truth?" well no lie to me I handle things better that way. Why the hell do people ask you a stupid question like that. In that one statement/question he answered my question. Maybe he thinks I'm MR. So he says no it won't go away.

Well you know what, I did have this much emotion garbage until that one week in September. I wonder if Tim hadn't of taken me to the hospital if I could have just gone on with my like and been okay. Instead I'm probably on enough medication to kill an elephant (and I'm not sedated in the least - tell me that's not scary) I went from someone who wouldn't take tylenol unless I was really hurting (because I heard it caused some kind of damage - liver or kidney or something). Now I'm on all this stuff. It's actually only three things, but it's all probably stuff that a normal person would pass out from if they took it. Not me, I think I'm actually handling things half way decent right now because of it. But if you put together all othe other crap I take for asthma and allergies with these, I keep the pharmacy in business. Of course I only take my asthma medicine when I think I'm starting to catch a cold or something. So I usually end up really sick :) I hate the idea of taking a steroid anything everyday and I rarely use my emergency inhaler, so oh well. I don't know why I'm worried now, with everything else, I'm probably a drug addict by now. I now everything I'm taking from the psych doctor is addictive. Add a few months and there you have it. He swears if I take the meds as he prescribes (everyday NOT as needed) I'll get addicted, but "only" physically and if "we" decide to stop taking the meds I can taper off. If I don't do what he says and I only take the stuff when I feel an anxiety attack coming on or whatever then I'll become psychologically addicted and that would be a totally different situation all together. So of course it stresses me out. I take my morning stuff at 6:30AM everyday, no matter what. I know it's early but it's when I wake up. If I don't do that, I'll forget when I get into other stuff. Then I have one pill to take at noon and I try very hard to take it at noon. Like today I got busy and didn't remember until about 12:20 and freaked out. So I took it, but not at noon. I wonder if there's a window to this addiction thing. hopefully there's a thirty minute leway or something.

You know what. I'm starting to talk like my old anxious "the sky is falling self". I've got so much stuff going though my head right now that it's hard to concentrate. I've come back to this several times and I haven't really done a whole lot of work. That reminds me I have to take a break from this stuff to put out monthy reports and stuff. Can I get a new brain at Wal-mart? That's where I got my husband.