Personal Journal

A List

This is what I'm most sorry for:
Jean.
She didn't want to die. She still had lots and lots of things she wanted to do with her life, and it was taken from her.


This is what I'm most angry about:
Brain cancer. She went to her death with a terrible debilitation. Almost blind, child-like at the end, barely able to comprehend what was going on around her deathbed.
That pisses me off. This was a fantastically smart and witty woman.
I'm glad I was there to protect her at the end, and to provide whatever comfort I did.


This is what I'm feeling most guilty about:
Anything I do to spend money that's not an essential. I bought a new headboard, with money that was otherwise hers. Not mine. I eat out because I don't want to cook, and when I get hungry, which is rare, I go someplace and have a meal brought to me.

This is what I'm feeling most often:
Dismayed. We lost. It's a cheapened saying, but what the fuck? We lost. Faster than I ever imagined possible. I have the last picture I took of her from Thanksgiving day. Four weeks later she would be dead, and I can't fucking believe it.


This is what hurts me the most when it comes:
Knowing she's not coming back. She lost everything and I lost something precious to me, and when it all levels down and hits me, it's like being born into a nightmare of emptiness, and it hurts with no way to take it away.


I miss Jean goddammit.