trapped in a soap opera

12-29-04

4What to say about what’s been going on the last few weeks. I guess this is more for me than anything because I don’t really think anyone reads this thing except by chance anymore. Oh well to catch up..tymm and I woke up for good, I don’t know how much of that story that vie already told but I guess its all water under the bridge. We still talk sometimes and tried still be friends but it only worked off and on. I’m pretty much just tired of his shit so I try to talk to him as little as possible. Hopefully he still gives me the money he owes me—but if it makes me free not to then so be it. Even now over 2 mos. after we broke up he still has a way of making everything my fault and I’m tired of it.

Just some of the stuff he’s been pulling: and don’t get me wrong we’ve gotten along for periods too but sometimes what happens when we don’t more than makes up for it. The other day I went t his house for something I don’t remember what…and was laying there with him on the couch. I was ragging so I couldn’t have sex, but I let him mess with me, even sucked his dick, and then before he got off he pulled my pants down and started fucking me in the ass doggy style (which he knows I cant handle). I’m crying and saying no but still I let him he just keeps telling me to shhhh, and pounding away. It took a while I was sick by the time he got done. I guess looking back I could have made him stop, but I just let him because I used to love him—for some reason I though that he was still mine and that id do anything for him (even though I never let him do anything like that when we were together—it was always in a different position that I could stand. I got so mad at myself for just letting it happen and mad at me that he could just go on hurting me like that. I think that sober—that’s the most I have ever felt like a whore in my life—and its pretty high on the drunk list too. Yeah I’m sure that everyone wants to know about this but anyway ill move on. I told him how I felt about it but he just found a way to turn it around of course said that I was trying to give him a guilt trip.
The other thing…it has snowed and iced here a lot the first few days of the week—I drove way out of my way on treacherous roads to make sure that he has food etc before I left to go home for Christmas…then the other day I called t ask if he needed me to take him anywhere since I was coming into town anyway. He was at work and bitched me out. That’s all I asked didn’t say anything about needing to go anywhere at any particular time. All he said to me was “no you go get your dick” whatever that was about. Later on he called and accused me of knowing he was at work and calling on purpose to get him in trouble. I was getting along with him just to keep in his good graces so that he would pay e back for all the things he owes me but now I don’t even care anymore I don’t want to have anything to do with him. I just wish it hadn’t taken me this long to come to this realization.

On other notes, I have a “friend” with benefits of course. And yes, yet again I have gotten myself into a weird relationship that only I could get into. Bobby is a herpetologist—which means he ahs about 100+ snakes in a room in his house venomous and non venomous.. there are also tarantulas, scorpions, and the weirdest thing I have to deal with (since the snakes etc are all in a closed off room so I don’t have to deal with them unless I want to)…I’m the only person that I know that at 4am when I have to go to the bathroom and his roommate is home (so I cant go upstairs and use hers) I actually have to remember to look in the bathroom and make sure the alligator is in the bathtub LOL. It gets out sometimes and walks around.—how’s that for weird. Basically he likes to cuddle and shit but can do so without being attached. That’s what I miss, and since I don’t get attached either then it works out just fine. Basically we have all the aspects of a relationship without there ever being a chance of being one. He surprised me the other day—he’s an amazing guitarist..he better watch out—I was always a sucker for musicians. I guess you could say that I could fall in love with him, but at the same time I know that it wont ever happen so I don’t. I just enjoy the relationship that we do have.

What else..ive moved into my own apartment, its currently a mess …well ok its always a mess I haven’t had time to do much of anything.

I quit my job yesterday…I just got tired of being jerked around. Of getting griped at for everything they don’t do and then having them gripe at me for some tiny thing that I don’t do. Anyway I guess this is enough for a book…as soon as I get my phone turned on ill have more access to the internet—right now have to go to my cousins and use her line on this ancient laptop LOL anyway until next time.