Personal Journal

Lonely Again

I'm lonely again.
Sometimes it's just an inescapable sentiment. I'm a little depressed, but not too much. If the Chargers were winning their football game, I might be happier. I should quit following sports because they always disappoint me right when I'm already low enough emotionally. Maybe they'll win yet; I'll peek around the corner in a few minutes maybe, and hope.

Anyway, I don't have a TV downstairs right now. The one my mom bought us when she was here in Sept died. Mom never spends the extra $30 to get a real brand, so this unheard of TV (which was good in image quality) died after 4 months. I hate it when I catch myself saying some inanimate thing "died."

But yeah, so I'm not doing anything downstairs. Computer upstairs, or TV (and bed) upstairs, or outside. Got out for a little today. Went to the grocery store for the first time in a LONG time, maybe a month. Couldn't get myself anything to eat but some carrots, celery, frozen dinners, and coffee creamer. I have no desire to cook. I haven't cooked anything that wasn't frozen since Jean died.

Had a good - great lunch with Cindy and Deb on Friday. Went to the hobby store to help a new player learn the game, but it wasn't enjoyable. It really... for lack of a better word... it bothers me that almost no one in that place has said "sorry about Jean" or "sorry" in any shape or form. Fucking Christ, my girlfriend died at the age of 37; don't ignore it. Just say your sorry to me one time and we move on. I keep waiting. It's like I can't move on until they acknowledge it. I'm sure that'll go away in time. This is probably how men are, I guess, mostly. I'm not, but then I've always prided myself on my differences from most men.

I'm supposing my mom will be expecting a call from me tomorrow, but she can wait. I don't really want to talk to her. Well I never do, but I know she'll be asking me if I've gotten this task or that done, like life insurance, or estate lawyer, blah blah blah. No, it's not done. This week, hopefully, if I can pull my head out of my ass. I haven't even brought Jean's urn home yet, but that's first thing Monday morning. That'll probably suck, though.

Anyway, the loneliness comes, and it's sort of like being locked in your room, I guess. Maybe I should go see a movie. But I don't want to leave the house.
Nothing serious to write about. Just felt like writing, and now I'm bored with that too.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn