Journal

why does love hurt?

Alex broke up with me last night. He said that we are going to be going in different directions in life and he was breaking it off now because he wants to avoid that much pain. He said he is completely in love with me, and if we were together for much longer he would be useless without me. god why does this hurt so much. we had been back together for a month. i have never loved anyone this is my first broken heart. it sucks. i love him so much and i can't belive that he can't be with me because he is scared of the eventual pain. it's not fair. i deffinatly do not like heart break. people don;t know yet, so when they ask how i am in a casual way what do i say? heartbroken??? i could barely get out of bed this morning??? we got into a petty fight last night then it led to our break up. he kept saying he was always the bad guy. melodramatic. whatever. he said that he was constantly bombarded with the knowlege that this would end. i love him. i can't believe it. i'm crying so hard that i can't see the screen. i am a smart modivated 18 yr old who is eager for the future. i feel like i am being punished. i have always had a feeling that i haven't really put into words that the time was off for us. we both need to grow. i thought that this time was it but judging from my last entry it isn't. if anyone came crying to me about this kind of thing i would suspect that the guy didn't love her but alex loves me. you can know a person and i know him in this way, he is in love with me. it is our insecurities and selfishness that has ruined this. he said last night that we would meet again "middle ground" (i'm crying again) does he not realize that i am not going to wait for him? we won't. he is going to the scotsdale culinary inst. and me? i don't know. but not to phx. i can't, i hate it so much. what does he expect me to track him down in five years? i will have moved on. he has broken my heart. i am utterly heartbroken. why? at least last time we broke up i could be angry. he betrayed me last time, but this time it is his fear that keeps him away from me. i feel pity for both of us. but somewhere i have some false hope. i suppose that everyone feels this after being broken up with. is it possible that he will get a wake up call like last time? my tears are fading to a feeling of numbness. i love him. his little quarks, his ego, his ability to make me feel safe, his humor, his insecurities. does all love feel like this? my dad told me that at least i now know that i have the ability to love. that doesn't seem to grand right now. i watched "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind" several days ago. what if you could erase someone from your memory? what if i could erase alex? would i? i don't thinkso he has taught me so much. (sigh) well i am going to go write some terrible poetry. until next time
mj