Personal Journal

It hurts

I'm really angry that in my future, I will think of Jean less. It makes me feel like I'm going to betray her. Be a Judas, I told the grief counselor. That's not my way. I am loyal. And I don't think there's anything I can do about it - I'm going to feel less connected to her - lose this sense of injustice. Forget things.
And that makes me want to die, because I would rather be dead than betray the woman I loved. Love. I still love her. I always will, and I can't accept the fact that I don't get to tell her anymore. Goddammit.

I don't think I ever feel more alone than when I come home from the game store on a game night. Gaming was what I did for ME to relieve my stress as the caregiver. And every time I left that store, I was ready to come home to my baby. I smiled when I opened the door, and she would ask me if I won. And we would talk and kiss and spend time together, and it refreshed me, and it made coming into her presence refreshing - the way coming home to the one you love is supposed to be.

So I started cleaning up after the game tonight, and I realize - none of that is going to be anymore. Makes me sick.

I feel like there's nothing to live for - there's no joy to be had from life anymore. So fuck it. Not that I'm suicidal; I'm not. I just don't see the fucking point of it at all. Emptyness.

I think of those lines from that song I posted right after she died.
Would it be wrong for me to surrender all the joy in my life, go with her tonight?
My love is gone, she suffered long, in hours of pain.
My love is gone, and now my suffering begins.

If I thought suicide would reunite us, I would probably consider it. But it won't. I don't believe you get anything positive from killing yourself - I think that's one of the things god frowns on (unless you're facing some horrible death like people in the world trade center or something - in which case I think it's not a sin).

When I stop and think about how I feel, first I'm angry, and then I'm just plain SICK.
Who's responsible for this bullshit?
Why am I supposed to believe Jean is at peace now, when my whole world has been violently turned on its head.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THOSE FUCKING DREAMS WE HAD!

I want to contact Jean so badly. The pain is reaching a place that feels like it's getting too much. It hurts, and I don't want it to hurt anymore.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn