Personal Journal

Work Tomorrow

Today was uneventful. I guess that did surprise me somewhat; it's been a calendar month since Jean died. But I think of it more on Fridays than by date. It's been four fridays and a few days... Every Friday I hear the bell that can't be unrung.

Tomorrow I go back to work. I bet it's going to be much different than I fear, but difficult in ways I'm not really able to conceive of right now.

I can tell you that the 1 month that she's been gone has been the second longest of my life. The only longer time I experienced was when I was in ghe gulf war with the shooting going in 91.

Jean was sick 11 months, she's been dead one. God I hate using dead as a verb... I want to go edit out that line... Really struggling to resist the urge to.

This one month seems longer than the whole two years Jean and I lived together. I wonder if going back to work will help my sense of time. I know a part of me wants time to stand still - I don't want to go forward to times when this isn't as all-consuming as it has been. I don't want it to fade, because that seems like such a betrayal.

Is this bargaining? If I don't move forward, I don't have to admit?

Tomorrow, everyone is going to interfere with what's going on in my own head, and that's going to annoy me to hell. I bet it will even make me angry.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn