Personal Journal

Untitled

Once in a while, the angst piles up so deep into me, and I hurt so badly, that the only way to release it that I understand is to either make someone else bleed, or to make myself bleed. Tonight I took a knife to myself, in a very sissy-ish fasshion for which I will contemplate what I was really trying to prove to myself. I guess I don't want to need stitches, I just want to cut myself and make myself bleed. It's like something is missing without the blood.

I feel better now. Yes, I know it's called self-mutilation. I might even tell Sandra on Friday at our session. I don't think I've done this to myself in 10 years. Ten years ago I took the knife to myself quickly and hard, and I bled a lot. I wish I'd bled that much this time. You grow up reluctantly, I guess, in some areas.

I don't know what I was trying to prove - I just needed to see the pain in something. My own blood did the trick. Jean wouldn't be proud of that - of that I can be sure. And yet, I'm not ashamed that I did it. There are some things in one's life that are so very personal that they can't be related to others.

Maybe I was trying to prove that I am experiencing something that can't be related.
I think about hurting myself every night. Not killing myself. Just hurting myself. Flashbacks to worse times in my life. Why does the place that I am now remind me so damn much of 1994 and 1995.

I admit that I don't want to live. I have no desire to. That's not the same, in my language, as saying that I want to be dead. I want to suffer. I want to be dragged behind the chariot like Hector and to have my failure displayed to everyone, my shame to know no bounds, to live eternal like Hector, who wanted so much to measure up to his task, but failed.

My love for myself has been severed.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn


It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn