Personal Journal

Tonight God tapped me on the shoulder

This will be a long entry, I suspect.
Tonight god tapped me on the shoulder, but I'm still trying to figure out what he said to me.

I bought the book and the card for Danielle as I said. After gaming at the club, I headed over to the restaurant. But I wanted to fill out the card and write a note before I arrived, and I wanted a quiet place to go do that.

So along my route was the Catholic church that Jean and I had attended Easter services on (this year, last? I don't remember). So I parked to go in, but it was locked. I thought they didn't lock churches? I suppose they have valuables inside <shrug>. As I was about to head to my car to leave, a man unlocked the door and let me in...

I went off to a side room under a huge crucifix (bigger than me) and sat down to write my card and note. I had a photo of Jean for the card, and I wrote her DOB and DOD inside, and I put one of Jean's fond quotes inside. She said "Be the difference you want to see in the world."

And I wrote a page-long note, explaining why I was giving the book, and card. I told about Jean fighting cancer with optimism and lots of smiles. And I said that the reason, or one of them, that I was writing the note, etc., was to plant a seed in Danielle's mind in hopes that sometimes in her future she would think of Jean, and the things I said about her, and thus, Jean's work on this world would not entirely be finished, even though she has passed.

I told Danielle in the note that Jean would want Danielle to believe in herself, to follow her goals no matter what, to be optimistic, and to remember that love is the only thing we take with us when we leave this life.

Finished, I spent time looking at the crucifix and talking to god. I told him to tell Jean that I miss her and love her, and that I'm doing what Jean asked of me. And I left.

I got to the restaurant, sat at the bar, and asked for Danielle. A few minutes later she came out - she was on a long break, but off the clock. I gave her the book, and card in a little gift bag, and I thanked her for listening the other day. I wanted to keep it short, and just have it done; I was feeling awkward and nervous, since I really don't know this young woman.

She took the bag and left off to wherever the employees go when they're not on the clock.

I was drinking my beer and waiting for it and my vicodin to do their delightful little synchronized swimming routine in my bloodstream - perhaps 10 or 20 minutes had gone by since DAnielle parted, and she came back and sat down.

As I had feared, she had read the card - I really didn't want a big sympathy outpouring from her, frankly. She thanked me, and said what a nice thing it was to do.

Then she went on to tell me that in the last month, they found something during her pap smear - and it was a pre-cursor sign of cervical cancer. I asked her how old she is - she's 20. I was floored, both for the irony of that fact, and because she's so very very young.

We talked about it for a while, and she said she's in very very good shape to not have any problem, but if there is a problem, she'll likely have to have a hysterectomy. She said she'd been praying a lot, and worried, of course, and she thought it was such an ironic coincidence that I shared the story I did with whom I did, when I did.

Isn't god a strange and mystical creature?

I passed on what encouragement I had, and told her to let her attitude lead her through, to try to be positive, and to vent out the negative when it comes. And I told her to seek support from the American Cancer Society. And I told her I would check back in again to see how she is doing, what news she may here in February.

I gave her my phone number, albeit reluctantly, and told her if she had any questions or needed any advice about cancer or support, to call me.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn