Journal

Just thinking

I think I've partially figured out my strange sexual state, or at least I've figured out some sort of a cause for it. I don't know if this is just me attempting to impose a cause to alleviate my own responsibility in my sexual freakishness, but... anyway. Thinking back really hard I've remembered at least three distinct instances from my childhood when I experienced something sexually inappropriate... I don't think it can quite be labeled sexual abuse, but it's bordering that. One was something my doctor did to me, one was something my brother's friend did, and one was something my parents did. I was not raped or injured, which is why I'm not sure if any of these are a contributing factor, but they all made me terribly uncomfortable. I think the reason I'm not really attracted to anyone is because of this "pseudo-abuse" or whatever you'd call it; anything sexual just brings up negative feelings for me; when I like someone, I don't respond sexually, because I think of it as a negative thing, a hurtful thing. I respond sexually only to people I trust completely, regardless of appearance or even gender.
This is probably why whenever I am close friends with a guy, I end up having a crush on him, or rather telling myself that I have a crush on him. If I trust him, I love him; however, love for me doesn't associate with sex. Sex is negative. Love is associated with trust and trust alone. If I were to have sex with someone, I would be unable to resist suicide. It feels just too much of a violation; anything remotely sexual makes me want to literally rip my skin off. If a guy flirts with me, I hate myself, and usually start punching things or pinching my arms. I can't help it.
What worries me is the fact that sex is a primary biological drive. I already know I have depression, and I've more or less dealt with it, but to essentially lack a primary biological drive would seem to be a serious problem. I only feel like I'll never meet anyone who feels and thinks the same way I do; all I want is a friend, someone I trust, to live with me, but I feel like any woman will write me off as a lesbian and any guy won't want to be with someone who won't have sex. This is the reason that I've hated all of my best friend's boyfriends (beside the fact that they've all been either prejudiced assholes or simply uninteresting): I think of her as my true love, but not in a sexual way. She says that we're soul mates, but that's not all she wants... it's all I want, though. Eventually she'll leave me to start a family and I'll be all alone by my antisexual-self. All I want is a friend who I can totally trust and who I know won't hurt me.