Personal Journal

Tulio-Super Ungodly Long

What kind of name is Tulio?
I've heard "Julio," the Hispanic name. So maybe "Tulio" is a derivative? But wait, when I meet Tulio, he's a super thin white kid with blonde hair and preppy clothes.
I don't know what kind of name Tulio is. I only have known one, and he warrants a separate journal entry (well, and don't think I'll leave myself out).

I play Warhammer, Warhammer 40K, and Flames of War miniatures game. If you know what the first two of those games are, give yourself +2 'I'm a Geek' points. If you know the last one, and you know what a Grognard is, give yourself +5, and also +3 Historian-Geek points.
Suffice it to say, they are games, one "lord of the rings-ish", one science-fiction-ish, and one historical world war 2.

I'm really good at Warhammer 40K, but I've only been playing a year, so there are lots of people's styles and first-time things still happening to me as I play. My record of Wins:Losses is exemplary, and I'm not much of an ego-ist when it comes to my competitive side. It's easy for me to get burned.

One of the things I really struggled with as I began playing these games during the early part of Jean's illness, was losing. It forced me to pay an emotional and intellectual toll that surprised me. I hadn't visited that kind of psychic anguish, and the way I'm hateful to myself, in 8 or 9 years.

It had been so long because I stopped doing competitive (with others) kinds of things. I did mountain biking, because I only had myself and gravity to compete with. Gravity is easy to lose to - people are not.

So my first year as a gamer, particularly until the last 5 or 6 months, it was HARD to go in there and lose, and even to get motivated to go up there knowing I was GOING to lose, because I didn't know what I was doing yet.

But I made progress on it, because the people to whom I lost were nice about it, and helpful to me, and I enjoyed their company. That's a very different kind of "losing" experience than I had, say, in high school, where taunting and humiliation accompanied my losses.

I've never had a hard time with being a winner. I'm the same to others as the folks around here have been to me (or were, back when I was losing a lot, heheh). I'm considerate and helpful and thankful for the game.

I've played in one tournament now, and after I went 2 wins in 3 games, I let myself admit that I'm good now, good enough to show up and make people respect my ability, even if they beat me.

There are still a lot of things experienced players can do that I haven't seen before, but I know my game well enough that I can generally adapt on the fly. There is a rock-paper-scissors element to the game, though, and one type of "army" (the force fieled by the opponent, which can vary hugely from player to player and army to army) gives my army huge fits. It is the paper to my forces' rock. Most of the time I'm in for a huge fight against that type of force.

In fact, all of my losses but one have been to that type of force (I've played against them about 6 times, with only 2 wins). And there is a tournament this coming Saturday, and Tulio plays that force...

My first encounter with Tulio was on the hobby store's message board. Tulio was complaining that the new edition of rules made his old army type "useless", which wasn't true - he just refused to adapt his play style to the new edition's subtleties. And my friend Woody from the store, told him that on the message board. Woody is a great guy, the best damn painter in the whole group of players, and an experienced player. He also goes out and climbs 14,000 foot mountains in the state - by himself (most people go in groups in for safety in case of emergencies).

Tulio's response was that Woody was a pussy because Woody doesn't play in tournaments. I stepped in at that point, and told Tulio he needed to refrain from that kind of shit, because of who Woody is in general, and who Woody is to me in particular, my friend.

That flame war went on for a short time, and the manager closed that line on the message board, and I didn't hear from Tulio until that first tournament I went to. He's a complainer. He's the opposite of me in his gaming mentality. If he loses, it's because the dice cheated him, or I had an unfair force composition against him. I've never played him yet, mind you, but I've seen and heard of him doing this.

He's also an agitator. And he never used the word "apology" or "sorry" to resolve the issue with Woody and the 20 or so of us that he offended on the message board.

But he plays that rock-paper-scissors force, and at the tournament, there's a 3 in 15 chance I have to play him. Twenty percent... Tulio is also a very experienced and competent player, making my odds the harder if I have to face him. I do not want to lose to him.

I've played my last two games against Tulio's kind of army (not he himself), practicing, and I've lost both of those games, although the last one close.

I dislike Tulio immensely. More than anyone I know, or have known in a long long time. And I'm in a position in life where I don't have to fake politeness or indifference with people I despise. Jean's dead, and I remember her fiesty honesty to call a spade a spade.

The tournaments award points for several things. Wins, losses, and ties all count for points. The quality of your painting counts (which is why I cannot win, since my force is not all painted yet, I can't get a full score), and sportsmanship.

A tournament system that rewards or penalizes for sportsmanship. How nice!

Tulio, at the last tournament, tried being very welcoming and good-natured toward me. To the point where it was obvious he was being unctuous. But I didn't have to play him, so my feelings for him didn't matter.

I'm not likely to be so lucky this time. And I'm going to have to play a game that I most likely will lose against a person I despise. That is going to be a difficult, difficult task (unless Jean watches over my dice that day, and Jean, that'd be a real cool thing to do!).

Tulio paints well, and if he wins, he's on his way to having a decent shot at winning the tournament. But I'll have power over his winning or losing based on what I award him in sportsmanship. Yes, the opponent you play is the one who awards you a range of points based on sportsmanship... Almost always the winner is determined by the sportsmanship award score, because the other categories end up close.

I have three options:
Ensure he cannot win by giving him the lowest possible sportsmanship score - regardless of what he does and how he behaves during the game. This would be a nice punishment for having never apologized to Woody (who now lives in Michigan). But it would also be arbitrary, and not reflect whatsoever on his tabletop attitude toward me, which may be worthy of some higher score (and perhaps not, I admit).

Or I can award him a score commensurate with how he actually behaves as a gamer, and not factor Woody into the tournament. This is egalitarian and such, but Tulio is just smart enough to know that his sportsmanship score matters, and he tends to behave in the tournament games (unless he is losing the tournament in the second round, then he whines). So the liklihood that he's genial at a game between he and I is high, and I don't want to reward his ability to fake sincerity.

Or, I can take the third option, which is confront him, and make him stand accountable consciously. I can tell him the truth. I don't like him because of what he did to Woody, and I probably never will like him because of it. And I can tell Tulio that because I don't like him, and because I don't care whether or not I win the tournament, I'm going to simply sabotage his chance of winning by giving him a low score. And tell Tulio that any time he comes to a tournament, he had better hope he doesn't have to play me, because I'm always going to give him the low sportsmanship score.

Telling him about that before-hand, though, might get a judge to intervene and change any score I give him. So that then can be mitigated by a deception at the tournament, and the truth after it on the message board. I tell him about not liking him, but tell him that after the game, I will give him whatever score he gives me. In his greed, he will agree to give me the highest score possible. I'll make him prove it by showing me his feedback card before he turns it in (under penalty of giving him the lowest score), and then I'll give him the lowest score and not let him know until after the tournament, when the judges can't do anything about it.

I don't want to fake sincerity with him. I want to tell him that I don't like him, regardless of the morality play of the sportsmanship score. Whether or not I willingly will allow myself to let my personal feelings affect the outcome of the tournament is another separate question.

On the one hand, the tournament rules really only apply to the time of the tournament. This is an international rules system, and the politics of the local group aren't supposed to factor into the criteria around which we judge. I think on this side - this is the side of me that wants to be just outside of the personal.

But on the other hand, we are a local group. There is one among us who can tolerate Tulio, and the rest of us think he's the biggest ass-hat in our group. I'm not going to pretend around him, because winning isn't what's important to me at the tournament, having fun and playing my best is what's important (very different from me 10 years ago). Tulio fucked with one of us, and no one but me called him out for it. I'm not going to forget that, even if the others left do. You don't treat people that way, but if you do and regret it, you apologize sincerely. Tulio never apologized, the insult still stands.

If Tulio thinks someone is a pussy for not playing in the competitive tournament, then maybe he should learn in the competitive tournament that the bigger damn picture matters, not just the handshakes in the games of the day. What will he think of me, showing up at tournaments to make sure he can't win, for calling my friend a pussy.

You can see my dilemma.

But I'll tell you what I believe.
I beieve that after Jean's death, I want to stand for something that means something TO ME. Not to others. I have my values. I believe in them. It is not unfair to others to act upon my values and beliefs.

I'm going to tell Tulio that until he apologizes to Woody (he can do it on the message board, still, where Woody reads), he is going to have to hope he doesn't play me, because until Tulio does apologize, I'm going to make sure he regrets having said that to Woody in every tournament that I get the chance.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn