Personal Journal

Empty Phones

Ah, I got one great phone call tonight. Some co-worker of Jean's, basically one Jean didn't like, and who Jean thought was incompetent - she called to tell me she had heard, and that she was sorry.
She got through that perfunctory tasks before revealing that the sole purpose of her call was to ask for two books she had lent Jean. Paperbacks, no less. About foods that fight cancer, and that positive mind healing hogwash.

I told her essentially the truth. I threw those away in anger the day after Jean died. Offered to buy her new ones. She declined, and quickly got off the phone. What an ass.

But I called Larissa Kuhar today. I knew Larissa 5 years ago when I was married, and when we both started working as temps for the place where I'm now a permanent employee (she went on to other things.
We had kept a casual friendship through my divorce, and then once I told her that I was being faithful to a long-distance relationship with Jean (note Larissa and I never had any kind of physical element to our friendship), she never returned any of my calls.

So I called her today, and I said that I needed a friend to go to meals with, and occasionally concerts, and I always thought that she and I had potential in that area. I said I didn't know why she stopped returning my calls, but that I hoped she would return this one.

I suppose it's somewhat irrational of me to get upset that she hasn't called me back tonight, but I am disappointed. I had hoped she would be happy to hear from me, and that in the absence, she perhaps too had thought of re-acquainting ourselves and the friendship. But not that much, perhaps, on her side as mine.

She's a very smart woman, intimidating in her intelligence to me (she's not aggressive with it, she's just REALLY smart). And we got along well. I miss having people like that in my everyday lives (as opposed to people I can only "hang" with on the internet).

I have Cindy and Deb, but they are always together, and sometimes I like to go someplace with just one person.

I forgot to take my walk today. Oh well, I've done so twice already this week, so twice more by Sunday and I'll be in compliance <smile> with my resolution. I ate one meal today, had two nutrigrain bars, some carrots, and a beer with my meal.

I didn't go to work today. I couldn't sleep again last night, and I didn't want to go into work debilitated like that, because I think it makes the triggers hit harder. And there are triggers at work, and I haven't figured them out.

Last week was easy; only a 3 day week, and no one expected anything of me. I was able to sleep fine. This week has been harder, not because I have any workload, but because now I fear what they think when I'm not functioning highly, like I thought I would be.

I worked from home today, though, and my boss was very cool about that. Her husband committed suicide 15 years ago or so. But I fear that I've used up all the sympathy I deserve. Now when I'm not high functioning, I'm a liability more than a friend in need? I'm not sure, but that's what my fear is.

I'm going to lie down and make myself stay in bed for at least an hour, and if the benadryl and melatonin and lack of sleep the last 3 days doesn't affect me enough to sleep soundly tonight, I'm really going to be frustrated.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn