Perilous Thoughts

Agony

Today is just an ordinary day. Not much work to do. I really need to find another part-time job but I'm afraid of what can happen but that's another story; Part 2 Agony.

The agony on the menu today is loneliness. I went to bed lonely and woke up the same way. I watched Brown Sugar starring Sinaa Lathan, Queen Latifah and Taye Diggs til about 5 this morning. I'd seen the movie several times prior but it was something about it this morning that made me sad.

I watched as the Sinaa played her role as the patient lover awaiting her turn for love with hints of jealousy. I watched as she impatiently tried to go on with her love life with someone she really didn't love. I've been there and done that many times before. I guess that's what's got me in this lonely lurch. I wasted too much time with men I really didn't love instead of waiting for the one that really loved me and I loved back.

Now, I sit here wondering what it would be like to have all of this idle time with a lover. I imagine the things we could be doing. Not just the sex, but the conversation, the intimacy, the argument or just simply knowing he's in the house easily accessed.

Maybe it was never meant to be since I've never had it like that. Maybe God has a different plan for me. I've always managed to love men that were emotionally disturbed and unwilling to seek His help in curing those issue but instead took them out on me. Maybe God sends them to me for healing? I don't know what I'm talking about here. Just rambling cause what I'd really like to be doing is not feasible.

Sugaree, just one more su-ga-ree time, again...
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