Personal Journal

busy day, let's try this again

Holy hell, I thought I had had a busy day when I started the entry a few... I guess just minutes, ago.

I must have had a helluva good walk tonight. I went for my 3rd walk of the week right after the practice game for tomorrow's tournament. I listened to Chinese music (at least the composer is Chinese) and the Cure, and it was cold tonight, and it was raining. And I thought all about my last week and how I'd gotten in my own way of seeing what was underneath it all till I started on that walk.

Before that, I had my practice game, and I achieved a draw, which was a new high for me in that situation. So I'm feeling ready for tomorrow, but nervous about my depression. I was trying to give myself self-affirming goals for my play tomorrow, because I really want to win, but I have to be satisfied with doing my best, and trying to have fun. I'm worried if I lose, or if I get my ass handed to me, as sometimes happens, I might really not deal well with that. Trying to prepare myself for that possibility on that walk.

And before that <sigh>
One of the two "men of honor" from my passage a few weeks ago... He did something that may in fact cost him all of honor he held in my eyes... Jeezus, I never expected that of a person who I thought was a real man.

I thought he was a real man, Tom Farrior. Ron Davidson, the man I revere from my workplace, MADE Tom Farrior the No. 2 guy under Davidson. Davidson got fired right before Jean died, about 10 days at most. It was a buraucratic house-cleaning thing for political reasons.

Farrior is applying for the position (and he has NO chance of getting it, because he's retired air force, which is a requirement for management positions on our contract. Farrior is retired enlisted, and that doesn't cut it for Division management. And everyone, including Farrior, knows that he's not going to get Davidson's job.

Tonight was Davidson's off-the-record farewell, invitation only, from those of us who loved him. There were 100 people there. When I saw him, I went over and took his shoulder, I whispered in his ear "I owe you more than I can ever repay you."
He shook my hand and I gave that man, Grizzly, I gave him a hug. I told him that he gave me an extra year to spend with Jean. I think he understood me at that point.

And I'm not the only man or woman who Griz has gone out on a limb for. He did it for me twice, and I think that if he asked me to kill someone, all that I would ask him is if Griz thought he deserved to die. If he said yes, that'd be good enough for me to do it. I owe Griz.

So does Tom Farrior.
And Tom Farrior didn't attend Davidson's farewell tonight.
He didn't want to spend the political capital with the people who fired Davidson to attend the sendoff. He toed the fucking company line. He neither had to, nor would it have hurt his chances, since he has no chance.

Damn, I can't believe that. I thought Tom was one of us. I've never been that wrong about a man before. That's not even as passionate as a stab in the back. That's leaving someone out in the cold.

What a damn day, I tell ya.