Personal Journal

Sleeplessness

I figured out how to describe my sleepness.
I get sleepy.
And when I go to lay down, once I relax doing whatever to the point I feel like sleep is imminent, I close my eyes.
As I start to drift off to sleep, what happens is that at the moment before I bridge the gap between conscious and unconscious, I get a scared, and the fear startles me back to being fully awake.

What am I scared of? I think the only thing I'm scared of is actually BEING asleep. Being unaware, perhaps? Being out of control? I'm not sure.

But I do this over and over again all night long. Sometimes, like now, I come to get away from the bed, I give up in frustration. Eventually I'll go back and try again. I got to sleep last night around 2 or 3 and slept for four hours. I think I only get to sleep when I'm absolutely tired enough to not scare myself again.

Depression is a very strange thing. Sandra finally used the word "severe" in describing my depression. In a way, that's a relief, because I'd like to know why I'm so poorly functioning right now. In a way, I worry I'll give myself permission to be lazy about things now.

I've got to make an appointment to see the psychiatrist in the morning so I can get the meds Sandra believes will be helpful. Because if something can offer me help right now, I'm willing to try it.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn