Personal Journal

My Letter to Jean's Mom

Dear Minnie,

You are the mother of the most magnificent woman I ever had the privilege of knowing, and I must apologize for waiting so long to send you this letter and card. Maybe you’re doing better than I am with grief. Maybe you keep it to yourself, as your generation so stoically was taught. But I have been wrecked by what God took from us, and I wasn’t strong enough to write these words to you until this morning, if in fact I am strong enough. I’m crying already.

I loved Jean so much, Minnie. I still do, you know. You understand that our hearts still send those messages to her, knowing somehow that the love we send does reach her where she is. What I hate about my life right now are the plans for a future with Jean that were taken from me. I still dream of those plans, wonder where Jean and I would have been… if only… That knowledge, that injustice, makes it so difficult to care anything for this world anymore.

I don’t know what to say to you. I can only start by saying how deeply sorry I am that you lost your daughter. I’m so sorry.

Sometimes I feel like I failed you, because you entrusted her to me. I did my best, though, and we both know… we both recognize that this was out of our hands the entire time. I don’t think either one of us believed it at the time. We needed to believe we could make a difference. And we did make a difference in the lives of Jean, and of one another, and a few other precious people along the way like her doctors and nurses. We just didn’t make the difference we wanted: to keep Jean here with us.

The loss that I feel tears me in two, Minnie, and it empties my soul of all the warmth in the world. And I cry in despair knowing there’s no help available for the cause of this pain. Only time will make us notice it less… only less.

In the midst of what I’m going through, I know there is only one other person on this earth who hurts worse than I do. Jean’s mother. What can I really say to you, I don’t know. I wanted you to know this: I saw your daughter in the full beauty of her creation, and she was perfect. You should be very proud of yourself, because she was your creation. And I wanted to thank you for raising such an exemplary human being, because the highlight of my life was being loved by her, and sharing her friendship, and having her accept my love. I’m thankful to you for that opportunity.

It was an incredible 11 months, with such moments of beauty and moments of terror. I know how hard it was on me. I didn’t have time to realize it until recently. In all of that time, the only human being who was comforting to me, and helpful to me, was you, Minnie. You are the only human being who made my role as caregiver any easier. Without you on the phone, and your three visits and the help you gave, I don’t know where I would have been. I thank you for that as well.

And for Jean, that was true as well. You delivered great help to her in all her time with cancer. You should be proud of yourself for that.

I hope you saw most of the good side of the man I am, Minnie. All that I’ve ever wanted for myself was to be a respectable, good man. You can be proud that your daughter chose me, and I wouldn’t abandon my humility easily in this world to say such a thing to someone. But I say it to you now because I know that in my heart, that no one could have done a better job caring for her than I. I did my absolute best (aided in no small part by the time my employer gave me to spend with her). I know that my best was good enough, and it helped her. And that is the proudest achievement of my life. I was there for the one I loved when she needed me the most.

You might be surprised that Jean and I didn’t talk much about her dying. But she did talk about it on occasion. She made me promise to look out for you continually. And I told her that I would. I don’t just want to do that to honor Jean’s request. I want to do it because I want to stay in your life. We went through something unique together, and I think we’re going to remain friends because of it.

I know you probably don’t want to share all the feelings you have. But I do want you to know that I’m going to be here for you whenever you want to share anything, and I’m going to continue to share with you.

Please accept my condolences on the loss of Jean.
I’m so very sorry for your loss.


Yours truly,