When I Die

Birthday. Quotes. Valenshit Day.

Have I felt this tranquil on any given birthday since the Big Adolesence Change? No.

I got my birthday wish beforehand: Ronnie is here.

On the day, I got a few things and I said a few things and I didn't eat a lot because of an upset stomach.

I'm an adult now. 21. And I don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to feel. Was there a big revelation that day? No.

Did my dick suddenly grow bigger, or something? No.

Didn't anything happen? Nothing of consequence.

I do not want to talk about resolutions, about what I want from this new year, about love, about anything.

I do not want to talk at all. Instead I'll let some other people do a lot of talking. Pay attention to their words. Unlike me, they might teach you something.

<>

A Few Things People Said

If you have nothing of yours to say, they shouldn't be quoting you. - John Carmack, ID Software.

You in the sea/On a decline/Breaking the waves//Watching the lights go down/Letting the cables sleep. - Bush, "Letting The Cables Sleep".

I talk about the gods, I am an atheist. But I am an artist too, and therefore a liar. Distrust everything I say. I am telling the truth. - Ursula K. Le Guin, introduction to "The Left Hand Of Darkness".

In reading a novel, any novel, we have to know perfectly well that the whole thing is nonsense, and then, while reading, believe every word of it. Finally, when we're done with it, we may find--if it's a good novel--that we're a bit different from what we were before we read it, that we have been changed a little, as if by having met a new face, crossed a street we never crossed before. But it's very hard to say just what we learned, how we were changed.
         The artist deals with what cannot be said in words.
         The artist whose medium is fiction does this in words. The novelist says in words what cannot be said in words. - Ursula K. Le Guin, Introduction to "The Left Hand Of Darkness".

The sphere was solid with Plunkett (chimpspeak: a dead guy), and only waited for someone to Be in; like, like the meaning of a word waiting for a word to be the meaning of. - John Crowley, "Engine Summer".

Are you motherfuckers ready for the new shit? - Marilyn Manson, "This Is The New Shit".

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young, in a world of magnets and miracles/Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary, the ringing of the division bell had begun. - Pink Floyd, "High Hopes".

Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again/Dragged by the force of some inner tide. - Pink Floyd, "High Hopes".

At a higher altitude with flag unfurled, we reach the dizzy heights of that dreamed of world. - Pink Floyd, "High Hopes".

The grass was greener/The light was brighter/The taste was sweeter/The nights of wonder/With friends surrounded/The dawn mist glowing/The water flowing/The endless river/Forever and ever... - Pink Floyd, "High Hopes".

Readying to bury your father and your mother/What did you think when you lost another? - REM, "Sweetness Follows".

First you have an idea: "Hey, let's make Monkey Island 4!" Then you go about actually making the damn thing. - The Developers' Team, "Monkey Island 4".

She is love and I believe her when she speaks. - Oasis, "She Is Love".

Things tend towards disruption. - Stephen Hawking, "A Brief History Of Time".

I don't know what weapons shall be used in World War 3, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones. - Albert Einstein, "Einstein".

Words are melodies are strokes are colors are images are notes are eternity. - Yours Truly (moi).

Oh my God! It's full of stars! - Bowman's line in Arthur C. Clarke's "2001: A Space Odyssey".

No agency, government or organisation has the authority over the truth, and I will find it. - Fox Mulder, "The X Files".

When you dream, there are no rules. People can fly; anything could happen. Sometimes, there's a moment when you become aware of the real world around you; you may think you can fly, but you better not try. - David Duchovny, "Kalifornia". Also used in two Astral Projection songs: "People Can Fly" and "Still Dreaming".

First there is water. Then it looks for the mother, which is silica, and is always found in geothermically active volcanoes; where there is pressure and a lot of heat. This creates and forms a quartz crystal in six sides. It grows right-handed or left-handed depending on the side of the largest face. It has positive and negative qualities on each of its faces, so that's where you can have computers, watches, sonar, radar... everything that is communication comes from now: the quartz crystal. - Shpongle, "The Sixth Revelation".

I want to believe. - Fox Mulder, "The X Files".

The truth is out there. - Fox Mulder, "The X Files".

I don't believe we have the resources to pursue the evidence in hand. - Dana Scully, "The X Files".

Trust no one. - Deep Throat, "The X Files".

What is the point of this trial? To destroy one man who seeks the truth, or to destroy the truth so no man can find it? Either way, you lose. - Monica Reyes, final episode of "The X Files".

Then let's shove it up their ass. - John Doggett, when told that the trial committee doesn't want the truth, final episode of "The X Files".

What is the matrix? Control. The matrix is a computer-generated dreamworld created to turn us into this (shows a duracell battery). - Morpheus, "The Matrix".

Welcome to the matrix. - Morpheus, "The Matrix".

Do not try to bend the spoon. That is impossible. Instead, try to realise the truth, that there is no spoon. It's only then that you realize that it is you that bends, and not the spoon. - A Potential 'One', "The Matrix".

For millions of years, mankind lived just like animals. Then, something happened that unleashed the power of our imagination: we learned to talk. - Stephen Hawking. Used in Pink Floyd's "Keep Talking".

When you have food you want clothes. When you have clothes you want a roof. When you have a roof you want sleep. When you have sleep you wanna mate. When you've mated you have everything. When you have everything you want blood. - Greg Elmond, "Watch Tower Piper".

I saved the world today. And everyone is happy... ...I hope it stings. - Eurythmics.

Pick up the reciever, I'll make you a believer. - Depeche Mode/Johnny Cash, "Personal Jesus".

Faith is acceptable dementia. - Yours Truly (moi).

We don't need no education. - Pink Floyd, "Another Brick In The Wall 2".

Daddy's flown across the ocean/Leaving just a memory//A snapshot in the family album/Daddy, what else did you leave for me? - Pink Floyd, "Another Brick In The Wall 1".

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look but it was gone; I cannot put my finger on it now. The child has grown; the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb. - Pink Floyd, "Comfortably Numb".

Some things are not for you to see. - The Wise Man to Dana Scully, "The X Files".

Oh, and in case I don't see ya, good-afternoon, good-evening and good-night. - Jim Carrey, "The Truman Show".

Tyler gets me a job as a waiter, after that Tyler's pushing a gun in my mouth and saying, the first step to eternal life is you have to die. - Narrator, Chuck Palahniuk's "Fight Club".

"It's so quiet this high up, the feeling you get is that you're one of those space monkeys.
         You do the little job you're trained to do.
         Pull a lever.
         Push a button.
         You don't understand any of it, and then you just die." - Narrator, Chuck Palahniuk's "Fight Club".

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"Somewhere en route to Port Vila in the New Hebrides, for my last meal I serve dinner the way I've always dreamed.
         Anybody caught buttering their bread before breaking it, I promise to shoot them.
         Anybody who drinks their beverage with food still in their mouth will also be shot.
         Anybody caught spooning toward themself will be shot.
         Anybody caught without a napkin in their lap--
         Anybody caught using their fingers to move their food--
         Anybody who begins eating before everybody is served--
         Anybody who blows on food to cool it--
         Anybody who talks with food in their mouth--
         Anybody who drinks white wine holding their glass by the bowl or drinks red wine holding their glass by the stem--
         You will each of you get a bullet in the head." - Narrator, Chuck Palahniuk's "Survivor".

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"Most of my adult life so far has been me standing on seamless paper for a raft of bucks per hour, wearing clothes and shoes, my hair done and some famous fashion photographer telling me how to feel.
         Him yelling, Give me lust, baby.
         Flash.
         Give me malice.
         Flash.
         Give me detached existentialist ennui.
         Flash.
         Give me rampant intellectualism as a coping mechanism.
         Flash.
         .
         .
         .
         Give me attention.
         Flash.
         Give me adoration.
         Flash.
         Give me a break.
         Flash." - Narrator, Chuck Palahniuk's "Invisible Monsters".

<>

If you're reading this, don't bother. - Narrator, Chuck Palahniuk's "Choke".

I earned this... I earned it. - Tom Hanks, "Saving Private Ryan".

My Momma used to say that life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get. - Tom Hanks, "Forrest Gump".

My Momma used to say that life is like a box of carrots; you never know who's gonna steal 'em. - The Rabbit who spoke to me, "Sentience".

Nobody steals our chicks and lives. - Duke Nukem, "Duke Nukem 3D".

Your face, your ass, what's the difference? - Duke Nukem, "Duke Nukem 3D".

I have many things to tell you and very little time. - Kay'l's soul, "Omikron: The Nomad Soul".

Life began as a single entity, a united biogene, intertwined by a single cord pulling it towards itself. And look at us now, we've come a long way. But in the end, the real question that still remains unanswered is how far will we go? And for how long? And I think that the optimistic answer is that we're reaching beyond the infinite. But the real answer is that we're going nowhere. - Yours Truly.

The answer to life, this universe, and everything is 42. - "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy".

Earth: Mostly Harmless. - "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy".

Death is the paycheck you get for living your life. - Greg Elmond, "Watch Tower Piper".

Life? What's that? - Sixth Quest: Brave Old Fools.

I can't quit as long as the truth is out there. - Fox Mulder, "The X Files".

I saw it. (A huge spacecraft passes over Mulder and Scully.) - Scully, "The X Files Movie: Fight The Future".

Control? You (humanity) never had control. - Anthony Hopkins, "Instinct".

Some places are too evil to be allowed to exist. Some cities are too wicked to be suffered. Calcutta is such a place. Before Calcutta I would have laughed at such an idea. Before Calcutta I did not believe in evil--certainly not as a force separate from the actions of men. Before Calcutta I was a fool. - Narrator, Dan Simmons's "Song Of Kali".

I don't know; but if we're all alone, then it's an awful waste of space, isn't it? - Jodie Foster, when asked by a kid if there are aliens out there, movie version of "Contact".

Twelve voices were shouting in anger, and they were all alike. No question, now, what had happened to the faces of the pigs. The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which. - George Orwell, "Animal Farm".

Big Brother is watching. - George Orwell, "1984". And if you haven't read this book, man, I'm sorry for you.

I think I've seen this movie before. When I was a kid. It was on TV. I have seen it, but I don't remember this part. Funny, it's like what's happening to us, like the past. The movie never changes--it can't change--but everytime you see it, it seems to be different because you're different--you notice different things. - Bruce Willis, "Twelve Monkeys".

Full circle, he thought while the final lethargy crept into his limbs. Full circle. A new terror born in death, a new superstition entering the unassailable fortress of forever.
         I am legend. - Richard Matheson, "I Am Legend".

No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. - Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting Of Hill House".

This book is predominantly concerned with making money, and from its pages a reader may learn much about the character and the literary integrity of the authors. Of boggies, however, he will discover next to nothing, since anyone in the possession of a mere moiety of his marbles will readily concede that such creatures could exist only in the minds of children of the sort whose childhoods are spent in wicker baskets, and who grow up to be muggers, dog thieves, and insurance salesmen. - Introduction, "Bored Of The Rings" (a parody of J. R. R. Tolkien's "Lord Of The Rings", where "boggies" are the equivalent of hobbits).

The sky above the port was the color of a television, tuned to a dead channel. - William Gibson, "Cyberpunk 01: Neuromancer". If you haven't read this and the two other books in the series ("Count Zero" and "Mona Lisa Overdrive"), I pity you.

The ghost was her father's parting gift. - William Gibson, "Cyberpunk 03: Mona Lisa Overdrive".

Let’s set the existence-of-God issue aside for a later volume, and just stipulate that in some way, self-replicating organisms came into existence on this planet and immediately began trying to get rid of each other, either by spamming their environments with rough copies of themselves, or by more direct means which hardly need to be belabored. Most of them failed, and their genetic legacy was erased from the universe forever, but a few found some way to survive and to propagate. After about three billion years of this sometimes zany, frequently tedious fugue of carnality and carnage, Godfrey Waterhouse IV was born, in Murdo, South Dakota, to Blanche, the wife of a Congregational preacher named Bunyan Waterhouse. Like every other creature on the face of the earth, Godfrey was, by birthright, a stupendous badass, albeit in the somewhat narrow technical sense that he could trace his ancestry back up a long line of slightly less highly evolved stupendous badasses to that first self-replicating gizmo--which, given the number and variety of its descendants, might justifiably be described as the most stupendous badass of all time. Everyone and everything that wasn’t a stupendous badass was dead. - Neil Stephenson, "Cryptonomicon".

Hush, little baby, don't say a word/And never mind that voice you heard/It's just a beast beneath your bed/In your closet, in your head. - Metallica, "Enter Sandman".

I know I was born and I know that I'll die. - Pearl Jam, "I Am Mine".

I am mine. - Pearl Jam, "I Am Mine".

Time has no shame. - Mark Knopfler, "A Place Where We Used To Live".

Time has no conscience. - Yours Truly (me).

Everytime you make the change, you drop the bomb, a child is born. - System Of A Down, don't remember the name of the song.

How did I get mixed up with this fucking monkey, anyhow? - Robbie Williams, "Me And My Monkey".

Here we are now, entertain us. - Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit".

You're face to face with the man who sold the world. - David Bowie/Nirvana, "The Man Who Sold The World".

When I'm God everyone dies. - Marilyn Manson, "The Reflecting God".

Superstar, superfuck. - Marilyn Manson, "Mister Superstar".

I hurt myself today/To see if I still feel/I focused on the pain/The only thing that's real. - Nine Inch Nails/Johnny Cash, "Hurt".

Be careful, soldier, your corpse is useless to me. - Dr. Janice Polito, "System Shock 2".

I'm gonna rip off your eye and shit down your neck. - Duke Nukem, "Duke Nukem 3D".

We are ants. We love food. We'll do anything to get it. We can bite and we pack a mean punch. But termites scare us 'cause they're like us. - Me, "Sentience".

Do you have the stomach to battle in the belly of the beast? - Old Konami game, don't remember the title.

Fatality. - Shao Kahn, "Mortal Kombat".

The princess is always in another castle. - Computer Gaming World, "The Ten Commandments Of Gaming". The comment, for those who don't know, refers to "Super Mario Brothers", where every level ends with you destroying a dragon and running to the castle's vault to free the princess, and you get the same message each time: "CONGRATS, BUT THE PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE".

So, so you think you can tell heaven from hell? - Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here".

Welcome, my son, welcome to the machine. - Pink Floyd, "Welcome To The Machine".

Everything's relative. - Albert Einstein.

Well, yeah, everything's relative, and ain't that a bitch? - Bibby, "Lark Gold".

America? Last time I checked it meant bigger, faster, stronger, louder. America? Last time I checked it meant sex. America? Last time I checked it meant power. America? Last time I checked it was dead. - Cole Damien, "23rd Century Botox" (short story).

To a friend's house, the road is never long. - From Amy's Journal.

Since everything is but an apparition, being perfect in what it is, with no good or bad, no reward or consequence, we might as well burst into laughter. - John Doe Anonymous.

You wanna quote me? Okay, here's the quote: (flips around and lowers his jeans and scratches his bare ass.) Thank you very much. - Pope Squad.

"Knock, knock."
         "Who's there?"
         "Go fuck yourself." - Tom Hanks, "Catch Me If You Can".

Oh, here's me jerking off in the shower. This is the high point of the day; it's all downhill from here. - Kevin Spacey, "American Beauty".

When I was seventeen, it was a very good year. - Robbie Williams, "It Was A Very Good Year". This one's a cover version, I don't know who the original artist was.

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world! - Louis Armstrong, "What A Wonderful World".

Each thing I show you is a piece of my death. - Marilyn Manson, "The Reflecting God".

Ad poster for carpenter services: ROGER'S TOOL WORKS. Graffiti below that: and so does mine. - John Doe Anonymous.

Graffiti on a toilet wall: I bet you can't piss above this line. Above that: I bet you really can't piss above this line. Above that: If you're pissing above this line, I hope you're wearing waterproof footwear. - John Doe Anonymous.

Graffiti on a toilet wall: After you finish reading this, you'll have the power to have any chick you want. Pay attention: There's nothing below that. - John Doe.

Sing. - Lot's and lot's of people to name here.

Show me the money. - Tom Cruise, "Jerry McGuire".

Same shit, different day. - Jonesy, Beaver, Pete, Henry and Duddits in Stephen King's "Dreamcatcher".

If you believe they put a man on the moon/Man on the moon/If you believe there's nothing up his sleeve, then nothing is cool. - R.E.M, "Man On The Moon".

This one goes to the one I love. - R.E.M, "The One I Love".

Everything zen, everything zen? I don't think so. - Bush, "Everything Zen".

I'll take my time anywhere/I'm free to speak my mind anywhere/And I'll redefine anywhere//Anywhere I roam/Where I lay my head is home. - Metallica, "Wherever I Roam".

Dance little tin-goddess, dance. - Metallica, "The Memory Remains".

Do you bury me when I'm gone? Do you teach me while I'm here? Just as soon as I belong, then it's time I disappear. - Metallica, "I Disappear".

I'm the world you never see/I'm the slave you'll never free/I'm the truth you'll never know/I'm the place you'll never go/I'm the sound you'll never hear/I'm the course you'll never steer/I'm the will you'll not destroy/I'm the gin in the gin soaked boy. - The Divine Comedy, "The Gin Soaked Boy".

Not a dry eye in the house/After love's curtain comes down/Listen and you'll hear the sound/Hear the sound of a heart breaking//Not a smile left on my face/The end is just too sad to take/And there's not a dry eye/Not a dry eye in the house. - Meat Loaf, "Not A Dry Eye In The House".

What about your childhood?/It's defective! It's dead and buried in the past//What about your future?/It's defective! And you can shove it up your ass. - Meat Loaf, "Life Is A Lemon (I Want My Money Back)"

One is the loneliest number. - Filter, "One" from the X Files motion picture soundtrack.

The Electric Monk was a labour-saving device, like a dishwasher or a video recorder. Dishwashers washed tedious dishes for you, thus saving you the bother of washing them yourself, video recorders watched tedious television for you, thus saving you the bother of looking at it yourself; Electric Monks believed things for you, thus saving you what was becoming an increasingly onerous task, that of believing all the things the world expected you to believe. - Douglas Adams, "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency".

This is America. People do whatever the fuck they feel like doing, you got a problem with that? Because they have a right to. And because they have guns and no one can fucking stop them. As a result, this country has one of the worst economies in the world. When it gets down to it -- talking trade balances here -- once we've brain-drained all our technology into other countries, once things have evened out, they're making cars in Bolivia and microwave ovens in Tadzhikistan and selling them here -- once our edge in natural resources has been made irrelevant by giant Hong Kong ships and dirigibles that can ship North Dakota all the way to New Zealand for a nickel -- once the Invisible Hand has taken all those historical inequities and smeared them out into a broad global layer of what a Pakistani brickmaker would consider to be prosperity -- y'know what? There's only four things we do better than anyone else: music, movies, microcode (software), high-speed pizza delivery. - Neil Stephenson, "Snow Crash". Methinks that as of now (or twenty years later), you could replace "America" with any country of your choice.

Shit happens. - Lots and lots of people.

Come see the devil baby. - Mark Knopfler, "Devil Baby".

You're gonna miss your Daddy when he's gone. - Mark Knopfler, "Daddy's Gone To Knoxville".

Peace? No peace. - Independence Day. Used in the Infected Mushroom track, "Release Me".

One ring to rule them all/One ring to find them//One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. - You mean you don't know? It's from Lord Of The Rings, dumbo. Go read it now.

Look at you, hacker. A pathetic ceature of meat and bone, panting and sweating his run through my corridor. - Shodan, "System Shock 1 and 2".

If you're reading this, I'm dead. - Dr. Marie Delacroix, "System Shock 2".

I am the Alpha and the Omega. - Unreal Tournament.

Noob Saibot's sudden upslinging punch sound from Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3. Love that game. Love that guy. When I'm him, I'm invincible.

Get rich or die trying. - 50 Cent. I don't like hip hop, don't like the stupid rap-punk mix up that's so 'hot' right now. But this album title is great. Haven't heard any song by 50 cent, though. And probably never will (because, like I said, I'm not into rap/hip-hop).

There are no secrets. - Gyppy.

Yo Mamma's so stupid, she tried to quicksave a deathmatch game. - Computer Gaming World, "Ten 'Yo Mamma's Stupid Lines'".

If it moves, kill it. - Computer Gaming World, "Ten Commandments Of Computer Gaming".

If it bleeds, we can kill it. - Arnold Scwharzennegger, "Predator".

I'll be back. - Arnold Schwarzennegger, "Terminator", "Terminator 2: Judgement Day", "Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines".

What if there are no co-incidences? - Mel Gibson, "Signs".

It is all a tape. It is all recorded. - Mullholland Drive.

Mona Sax's low moan in Max Payne 2. (Quite possibly the only thing that has stirred my libido in ages. And she's a fucking game character, for crying out loud. She's not real, but she's damn good just the same. She's got attitude by the bucketloads and can kick your ass all the way to the Poles.) - Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne.

"Sir, we're gonna die. You got anything to say?"
         "Yeah, you're one sad fucking excuse for a pilot." - Revenge of the Idiot Mustang Earthworms, www.whocaresanyway.bloatbus.com.

How can we (males) use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want! - Frasier.

This is not happening. - Dana Scully, "The X Files".

Hey, buddy, you mind dying in front of someone else's car? - GTA 3.

"I saw grandmother naked."
         "What? Did she see you?"
         "I don't know, I was too busy seeing her to see if she saw me see her." - Hidden Hills.

Don't make me break my foot off in your ass. - Mad TV.

Life should be fragrant. - U2, "Kite".

A long time ago, when we all lived in the forest and none of us lived anywhere else... - Peter Straub, "Shadowland".

Fat Kid: "Do you have any kids?"
         Bad Santa: "No, thank the fuck Christ." - Bad Santa.

Fuck Martha Stewart. - Tyler Durden, "Fight Club".

It's not day, and it's not night. It's like... half-night? - Mulholland Drive.

I wanna be a minority/I don't need need your authority/Down with the moral majority, cause I wanna be a minority. - Green Day, "Minority".

Warning, live without warning. - Green Day, "Warning".

None of this is real. - Infected Mushroom, "None Of This Is Real".

Today is my happy day. - Ronnie.

It is all a tape, it's all recorded. - At the Silencio Theater, "Mulholland Drive".

Bad boy, bad boy, whatchu gonna do? Whatchu gonna do when they come for you? - Don't know the band's name, "Bad Boys".

Friendship is feeling comfortable doing shit. - Amy's Journal.

<>

Valen... what the fuck else could it be?

So there you go. Happy Bullshit Day to everyone! May that little cute-butt kid stick those long sticks in you right where the sun don't shine and may everyone exchange a lot of bodily fluids and make lots of babies and then grow old and die happy Mills and Boons deaths.

No? Too crude? Too unwieldy? Too Grinch-like?

How about this: Fuck Valentine's Day.

Let's see. Once upon a time some weird saint (sainthood doubtful) was killed and some stupid assholes turned his death into a celebration of... ahem, love.

That's what Bullshit Day is all about.

Over the years brands decided love was a profitable motive and closed in.

Now you've got Bullshit Day Archies And Hallmark Greeting Cards™, Bullshit Day Special Movies on TV™ where there are Bullshit Day Special Commercials™ between those Movies. On this day you're supposed to buy your Loved One™ something Really Special™ (read: expensive) to show your love or they say you don't love her.

You've got... oh, hell, I don't want to list all the Bullshit Day bullshit (man, am I funny or what? Bullshit Day bullshit! A-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha!). You figure it all out for yourself.

The thing is this: why do you need A Special Day™ to show someone you love her? Why can't you do it every fucking day? Hell, why do you need to make an effort to consciously show someone you love her? If you really do love her, don't you think everything you do will express you love?

Anyone who says the small things don't matter is a fucking moron. As far as I know, love is all about small things. The most beautiful birthday and love gift I've ever had is not--will not ever be--available at a Specialty Gift Shop™.

Oh, sure, there are folks out there who equate everything to money, and I am truly sorry if you're stuck with one of those, but... why don't you fucking dump them, anyway? Just tell 'em to stay happy with all their things and find someone who will buy them more, bigger, better things?

Look, every relationship--be it enemies, friends, anything--is 50-50. You give some, you get some. If you're giving more than you get and you do not want it to be that way, you're stuck with the wrong person.

Dissertation aside, back to Bullshit Day.

As usual there was a party and as usual (instead of me writing three huge paragraphs describing what happens each year, perhaps you should read last year's entry) the regular shit happened.

I danced with a few, but did I feel anything about anyone? Anyone at all? Nada.

Ash looked stunning, no doubt, but did I feel anything about her? Priya? Anyone? I would like to tell you the truth, but perhaps you wouldn't believe it: did I feel anything? I honestly do not know.

Was there any heat the way there was on that day so long ago? No.

Was there any magic? None.

Was I expecting any different? No. Should I? I don't know.

Look, I keep talking on and on about love, as if it is so very important to survival. But it really isn't. Once you accept you have to live with one eye for the rest of your life, it doesn't matter. Once you accept that one-eyed vision is all there is to life, that two-eyed vision might exist for someone but it doesn't exist for you, you stop even thinking about it; let alone wanting it.

What the fuck does it matter if another man dies without ever kissing a real kiss? Will the world be any fucking different for those mourning the Tsunami victims?

Why do I have to be so full of myself? Why does it always have to be about me?

Am I not, in the grand scheme of things, insignificant?

And is it not true that even while I typed the above line I felt that I was wrong? That I was made for greater things? It is.

As much as I want to believe that my life isn't worth doodlyshit, I can't. Because if it isn't worth anything, why am I here, anyway?

What, exactly then, is my purpose?

And here's the reply that I feel I should give to the above question--I only wish I could give it with all my heart and honesty: why does my life have to have a purpose? Aren't insignificant things made to give significant things their significance? If everyone was like everyone else, if we were all heroes, how would God get his kicks?

And, repeat: Happy Bullshit Day, everyone!

---Chimp.

PS: Much love to Amy. No Bullshit Day™ bullshit involved.