Rants on lit. from Guatemala

life is like a boat

Music: “Life is like a boat” from Rei Fu. This song is a Japanese song, even if you can’t tell from all that English she sings at the beginning of the song. For what I can understand (jeje, from English) she says something like: Nobody knows who I really am. Why do I feel a very strong empathy for this Japanese girl?

Read: Some French, and I decided it should be good to start reading the history of Lebanon. Hmmm… Lebanese fetish? Maybe. This country left a deep mark in me… for what ever that means, it appears that I’m the only one who understands.

So, my friends are finally getting fed up with my low energy level (to avoid saying: chronic depression). Still, I have found myself asking the grate void for help, and I think it listen to me. There are, as I told Roula on the car bounded for Baalbeck, only true miracles in the fact that we are still alive, in spite of all the suffering. I believe this more today than the day I told her.

I know I have a good life. I know it is bad to waste my life away with such sadness. But, why, why is it that if you try to be a good person nothing good comes out of it? Well, maybe it is because as a good person that recognizes himself as good immediately separates himself from the world. So, by saying I’m good, what I mean is, I’m better… maybe… I don’t want to intellectualize this so much or I’ll end up with the same result as before… And there is nothing worst for a person than emptiness.

Following the idea of small miracles… today nobody bothered me at work. The students were calm and easy to handle. Still I have such a bad case of laryngitis that I think they took peaty on me. No matter, they stayed out of my way. I can’t still talk for long because the more use it has, the worst it gets; yet, my students were comprehensive. Maybe I’m getting insane or avoiding the truth; which ever it is… I’ll keep it in mind.

I’ve been toying with the idea of coming up with new stories for the site, but don’t seem to be able to put pen to paper. My mind is a blank due to the intense internal debate that seems to be going on all day, all night. I know the tendencies to be romantic plague me, but this time it is literally true. I can not achieve peace of mind. That’s why I found so amusing the fact that Roula told me: “you seem to be so sen, so at peace” well, guess what!!!!! I’m not!!!! I’ve never ever been at peace.

Ajj… ok enough for today.