Personal Journal

Falling at the end of another climb

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn

My qhotes perhaps should lead the way today. I need to stay in touch with them.

I wanted so much to start writing a page a day today, fiction. But I crashed about 90 minutes ago, and I'm on that edge where I understand why people relent to suicide. This isn't a place, really. It is a moment without a place.

I spent my morning printing up positive quotes in big lettering and posting them around the house.
I put on the door leading to the car: "SUCCEED: Lead yourself to success"
I put on the wall where I keep the bong, "Oz didn't give anything to the tin man that he didn't already have."
I put some weight related stuff on the fridge, and I put the scale down there next to it, to remind myself that I have a goal, and all decisions have consequences.

And I put a few around the house that read "I will make choices that make me proud of myself."

I am proud of myself, I recognize now that I'm writing this. It was snowing and cold, and I made myself go on a bike ride. I got in about 90 minutes, which was good, but I did cut the ride short, because either I dressed a little inadquately, or I'm not conditioned to the cold rides yet. Both really. I could have used an extra layer, and I'm definitely not used to those temps on a bike.

So I succeeded.
why I'm tortured by what I'm not, while still wanting to be it, I don't understand.

I have a new reminder of lonliness, which is part of the problem. I think certain feelings get buried very easily by self-loathing.

I don't know what the problem is here. I can't figure myself out. I can't make me stop hurting this way. I lose respect for myself for it.

I hear the word heresy. I'm doing something wrong to myself. And I can't seem to make myself stop.