Sunflower Blog

Bordom Unlimited

My depression is dragging on, and I'm glad I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Antidepressants help, when you're as low as I am. I can't swing myself out of it, and I'm avoiding people because my attitude is so negative.

My mom, in her stange but loving way, hinted that I should consider looking into another type of career other than teaching. If the school district calls me for fall of 2005, I might do it. It's been nine years since I've been in the classroom. I miss the kids, but not the problems and pressures. My life used to be grading papers. Now I'm creating stories instead of editing others grammar skills

Mom doesn't consider writing a career, I guess. It's true that I haven't made any money from it. I wanted to blow up at her and say, "What do you think I've been doing for the last five years???" I didn't. She never gets me. She never has. She doesn't mean to hurt my feelings, and I know my ego is pretty bruised in my current depressed state. In order to not take it out on others, I'm staying away from my friends. It's a strange logic that rules my world.

I picked a group for the "Going Pro Group." I chose short stories--drama (romance/erotica). I don't feel like I've been as successful on completing short stories so I can use the help. It's easier for me to write poetry, just because I can usually finish a poem in one sitting. I think my short stories are more of a novella size. I have trouble keeping my word count down. I need to go back and do lots of editing by deleting a lot of what I've written. I have trouble finding the self-discipline, but I feel like that's where I need to put my focus now. In five years, I've gone through all sorts of stages. The most costly was the vanity publishing stage. Now when I get mail from Poetry.com, et al, I'm tearing it up. It's a way to get published, but it doesn't count toward a writing fellowship or grant. I've sworn off junk contests.

I want to write something that I can get paid money for. I feel like I could write magazine articles, and that might be the easiest market to get in to. I have only a couple of articles, and most of them are op-ed pieces. If I had some help, I might be able to write a column. I can write anything. I almost feel like I need a boss to tell me exactly what to write. But I value my open creativity. Yesterday, I watched an HBO movie on Lenny Bruce. That sparked an idea for writing, but I haven't followed through on it yet.

I guess I'm fortunate to have confidence that I could write anything from fiction to non-fiction to poetry to maybe even a play. Steve Odenthall of www.stageashow.com sends me empty e-mails often, and I feel like he's encouraging me to write a play. I think I could, even though I haven't tried the format before. It's just a matter of deciding on a plot for the story, and then dealing with the new type of formatting. It would be exciting to have my story dramatized on stage. However, I'm not finding I have the focus to even start a writing project in my current mental outlook. I need to do something just to keep the creative juices flowing.

I did pick up the book I've been reading on for two months. The Da Vinci Code is a very interesting read. Set in Europe, starting out with a murder in the Louve, all the references to such classic paintings, and the conflicts that become more complex as the story goes on--it's a really good book. If the Catholic Church wants to excommunicat e me for reading it, it won't be the first time I've gone against the roots of my youth. I don't like that the Roman Catholic Church dictates what you should think, instead of encouraging individual thought. I never liked that about the church. My version of God allows me to think freely.

My cat's 19th birthday is tomorrow. I bought my Mom a purse and scarf, and I'm delivering it to her this afternoon, wrapped in birthday paper--saying I bought it for "Nell," and "Nell" said to give it to Grandmommy. Since I don't have kids, my Mom have critters for grandchildren. I'll agree that I've set myself in an unusual situation in the world.