Where's the Silver Lining?

What's wrong with me

God has blessed me so often and with so much, why can't I be content? This Mother's Day weekend has been so wonderful with the book Hidden Lies and Other Stories, a call from Bob in Turkey, dinner Saturday evening with Randy and his family, a miniture rose bush from Becky, messages from friends. Why did I sit in church feeling alone and envious?

Mother's Day has been difficult for me for years. Now I know how my mother felt being by herself on this "holiday." I tried to have her visit me each Mother's Day weekend, but I couldn't get up there but an occasional Mother's Day.

For a few years, I didn't go to church on Mother's Day. Our church had roses for the mothers, but a child was asked to come get one to present to his or her mother. I had no children there. They spent, and still do, mother's day with the mother of their spouses, if they could be anywhere. Then the husband, of any mothers without children present, was asked to get his wife a rose. Finally, someone, kind enough, was asked to get one for the remaining mothers. I was the only one consistently without anyone year after year. So I wouldn't go for a few years.

Then the church stopped that practice, thankfully. Still when I see mothers with their children of all ages, I have this empty feeling. I know my children and my husband love me. I KNOW that, so why did I feel so childish sitting in church today, childish because being envious isn't an adult emotion?

Then the pastor gave his message about what kind of mother every child deserves.

Every child needs a mother whose commitment goes beyond family trouble.

I think I can meet that criteria all right. I'm committed during the good times and during the bad, for better or for worse. Sometimes, I'm also close to commitable, but that's another story.

Every child needs a mother who truly wants her children.

No trouble meeting that one. I want and need my children, completely. I also want the ones who have adopted me.

Every child needs a mother who cares deeply for them.

This point joins with the one before, wanting and loving go together. I love my children so deeply that I literally would give my life for any one of them. No sacrifice is too great if they will benefit, not only in the short run but for the future.

Every child needs a mother who loves God.

I do love Him, with all my heart. He comes first, then Robert, then my children. I've loved God since I was a young child, and that love continues to grow as I understand more.

Every chilod needs a mother who loves her husband and is loved by her.

This "need" is completely met. I love Robert completely; he is the other part of me. He loves me as much. Even if we differ and spat, we love each other.

So I meet the needs of being a mother, maybe not perfectly - no, I'm far from perfect - but I gave my children love and knowledge of God and His love. They knew and know that their parents love each other and them.

They were raised to become individuals and productive members of society. Robert and I were successful, maybe too successful in that regard. No, they are all great people. The "adopted" ones - we can't take any credit for their successes.

Maybe my problem today comes from the fact that I am not perfect, but I'm all too human. I felt alone and envious because I didn't have even one child or my husband with me. Okay, I can live with that, well, at least until next year on Mother's Day. But I'll work on counting my blessings more, like smelling the lovely miniture roses on the bush Becky sent me or running my eyes over the book Holly made possible or giving my son Bob a big hug when we see him in Colorado or giving Randy one, even though he doesn't like hugs, or finding a perfect present for my grandson-to-be to send to Rene. I need to enjoy Robert more and complain less (which I'm sure he would like for Father's Day).

I have so much, and I need to concentrate on that, not on the don't-haves. I asked God this morning to help me be content.