My True Soul

Las cosas estan mas bueno ahora

I've had enough time to recover from finals, yay. So maybe I'll make more sense now.

A couple of months ago, if that long ago, my friend did a Tarot card reading on me. It was pretty damn interesting. I was reminded of this because of something April just wrote. Anyways, it talked about me being at a point in my life where I needed to decide which path I was going to take. Basically, one of them, would lead to a life where I was never really happy, no matter what. And another, would lead to a much more productive and happy life. However, it seemed, I was going towards the first path more so, but that I didn't really want to go towards that. Yeah, nothing has been quite so accurate. My friend, she, no, she had no clue about the things that had been going on in my mind, only Tyler had a slight clue. The only person who really knew lives 600+ miles away. So, it was interesting. However, the cards basically said that I knew I needed help, but I felt like I couldn't get it...however, if I'd just look behind me, I'd find it. This is true. So, one path, would have been me continuing this path of not being who I am, letting myself get away from who I am at heart. Not caring about things that I normally care about, not having such strong convictions. Basically, I spent 3-4 months not feeling like myself. That's a feeling that really sucks. I spent 3-4 months letting someone else influence who I am by them teasing me for being who I really am. That person was Tyler. I let him tease me about trying to be a good person, about being calm, about being rational, about making good grades, about just being who I am. And when who you are is under attack by someone you're close to, it f***s with your mind, majorly. I got lost in all of it. A few weeks ago, he told me he had the desire to destroy beautiful things. That he didn't want people around him to be happy. That he wanted people around him to be miserable like he was. He said this wasn't true for his friends. But why else would he have spent so much effort teasing me about who I am and seeming not to care if it was destroying my beliefs about myself? I've given him the benefit of doubt that he didn't do that on purpose, that he wouldn't do it, but that he did it because he didn't realize and because he's immature. And I'm not thinking that I'm perfect by no means, but, compared to him, I've made some better choices with my life that are more respectable. And honestly, yeah, pretty much, I am a genuinely nice person in a world where there are not many of those types of people. I am who I am, I will be a loyal friend to you if you're one to me, and if I love you, then it will be with all of my being, that's how I am. But, I must say, that has been probably the worst I've ever been betrayed by a friend. I let him destroy a part of me, although only for a bit, that I never let anyone touch, because it is the core of who I am. But this time, I'm not bitter. This time, I've simply chosen not to be, because, I'm more mature than that. I simply will have learned not to let anyone get to me like that ever again.

After venturing down that path for a bit, I stopped, broke free of the daze I was obviously in, backtracked, went back to the split, and took the other path.

Because of all of that, I let my grades slip, I stopped caring so much, and I just let a lot of things slide more so than normal. Those are important things of who I am. I let my self-determination fall along with my ambition. These things are essential parts of who I am, and I let them slide. Luckily, through talking to my mom some and to Rachel, I realized it in time to still get thing straightened out.

We (Rachel and I) discussed the possibility of me having depersonalization disorder. I've often looked at that. I've looked at it since I was 14 and wondered if I had it or not. Sometimes, I don't feel like I'm myself. Sometimes, I'm only watching myself go through things. And then, I look back, and wonder where the hell I was through whatever it was. I'm not sure if I have it, or if it's just a way for me to cope with things, or even, if it's just a way that people like me have to be in order to do what we do. Otherwise, listen to people with really sad stories and not go kill the people who did whatever to them, or not go off at them when it's not something major, or to be able to help them without getting so emotionally involved that we're not in the position to help them. I'm not quite sure what it is.

My mom had surgery on her leg, and she has 12 stitches. I've been responsible for changing the bandage lately. It's kinda comforting to know that although I thought it was kinda gross at first that if I have to be the one responsible for something like that, I will do it.

I have to get a job this summer or else I will go crazy. In addition to getting a job, I want to go on a diet/exercise thing. I want some friggin' muscles for one thing, more than I have right now. And I fully have the potential of having a pretty decent hourglass figure. I want it. I want to read more books, expand my mind so to speak. I want to keep up with my Spanish and become better with it, cause honestly, I want to minor in Spanish. (Which more than likely means I won't be graduating until 2008. Bummer.) And I'd like to rearrange my room, reorganize the kitchen, help remodel the basement, and clean up the outside of our house.

After my friend, Amanda, told me she liked me, I decided to see if she'd want to go on a casual date sometime. She never got the text message. I'd kinda wondered about it, Tyler asked her about it the next day. He made it sound like he'd mentioned going on a date with me as an inquiry. No, he told her about the text message. About a week later, she asked me if that was the truth. I said yes. She said she'd waited for me to bring it up. I don't like bringing stuff up. Plus, I'd figured since she didn't get it and Tyler had only mentioned the date thing in passing, that it was probably a sign that I should wait. In addition, when he asked her about it, she said no. She said she needed to get some things straight with herself in the first place and that now wasn't a good time. So, I had my reasons, as I normally always do. But, I ended up asking her for her thoughts on it, she said it sounded good to her.

She's got where she kinda flirts some. It kinda hits me off guard. I suppose cause, she went from never really flirting to doing so somewhat. I'm still like "Uh, wait, hold on..." it's still kinda strange to me, because, she's seen me... pretty much at my worst. I've been sssoooo bitchy acting this last semester, but, yet, she liked enough about me to have a crush on me. I totally did not approach her with the idea of potentially dating her. I did not try to impress her and be cute around her. I didn't try at all. I was me. I normally am me, but, obviously, I kinda try not to be bitchy with the girls I have in mind that I could potentially date. But, there she is, she saw that, and she still likes me. Go figure.

Now, that I've had time to sit and think about it, heh, yeah, I liked her some. I remember meeting her at the beginning of the school year, thinking she was kinda cute and funny, then I never saw her, then when I would, she'd act kinda... odd, lol. I don't know why to this day. But, then she came up one day, just started talking, and several times that happened. Then we started talking more, Tyler too, hanging out, yeah, etc.

And then, this whole slow things started. I guess 2 months ago, I was around her one night, noticed that she was pretty, but, not in a way I'd noticed before. I went on. Then, hah! For whatever reason, I ended up touching her hands, good lord, they feel wonderful. I'm a hand freak. I even wrote about that in my book journal, lol. Then I notice her lips, which, yeah yeah, nother weakness. Not to mention her hair.

Then all of the touchy feely crap happened. Around prom, haha, after JAIME friggin bounced us around in the back seat of her jeep, I ended up over on Amanda, gave, ended up riding for 30 minutes with my head on her chest, trying to nap. Then there was prom... which... good friggin' geez. I slow danced with her, Tyler was doing the whole "Aaaawwwww" crap, to which, I just looked at him like "you're f***ing crazy" and to which, she just giggled over. Did I figure it out then? No. We end up going outside, it's romantic as hell, do we mind being out there? No. I was waiting on Jamie and Tyler. She didn't seem to care, now I know why. We end up all walking where I live, these dogs all start barking at us, we kinda get spooked (there are like 8 of them, at least) and we turn around, the moment we turn around, I feel her grabbing my hand... fine... but there comes a point where one should let go in such situation, she didn't for a bit after that. And did I mind? No. Continuing on, watching SNL, end up in her lap, she's playing with my hair, yeah, I fell asleep in her lap by the time SNL was off. I did think something about that tho. Then, it was maybe a week later when she told me.

I've reached the conclusion that there were obviously signs. I didn't pay attention to them much because I didn't think they were worth going after, probably, because for a while, I didn't think there was a chance of them being returned and because I didn't think it was worth it.

Now, upon reflection, it is worth it. It's kinda like the whole saying, what you're looking for is under your nose. It is.

Honestly, I've ranted so much about wanting to be with someone who's pretty straightforward, doesn't play games, doesn't drink a lot, doesn't smoke, doesn't like to be wild and crazy, doesn't mind me for who I am, doesn't lie to me about things, and everything I've ranted about. She doesn't.

There is one thing that I don't like. I don't like the fact that the really romantic side of myself is wanting to come out. I feel it, I sense it, I hear it. And I don't want it to come out. It hasn't really really wanted to be out like this since Sarah. We're talking, complete mush stuff. When it comes out, it feels like it's guranteeing that I'll really get myself into something that'll hurt like hell when it's over. I don't want that right now. But, I keep feeling it. And I know, she wouldn't know how to respond to it.

Another aggravation. How, meh, how do you go from just being friends, having the intentions of just being friends, to being more? It's an odd transition. However, I keep thinking that honestly, if things just go back to how they were, it'll be a normal transition, cause they were already getting that way.

Oh my. Because of all of this, I've figured out my best feature for attracting girls. My hair. They all seem to love my hair, lol. It's rather amusing. Apparently it's that, and when they see that I keep my fingernails neatly trimmed. It's funny. Jake's gf, Katie, she amuses me. They were talking about me one night, talking about my hair, right after she decides to tell him that she's bi. Then, I notice, that one of the things she first notices about the same sex is their hair. Amanda pretty much seems to be the same, so apparently, those are my best features, lol.

Gah. I have to get up early... but I'm not tired at the moment. However, I'm sure I'll be a grouch in the morning. Maybe I should go soon. Meh, I think I will. Got enough off my chest tonight.


Closing Quote: Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel. Or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to-letting a person be what he or she really is….Most people love you for who you pretend to be….To keep their love, you keep pretending---performing. You get to love your pretense….It's true, we're locked in an image, an act---and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image-they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it-they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession. ~Jim Morrison