The Life Of Me.

20th May 2005 - Lush

Well...yesterday...Martin and I "consumated" our love lol. That's what brought up the whole "I look disgusting" debate from yesterday. He's amazing. Just everything about him, from his body, his mind, the way he moves, the things he says, the noises he makes, his grins, his frowns, his laugh...I love it all.

It was lush sleeping together. Really, really lovely. There isn't anyone I've ever wanted more than him, and he didn't disappoint. He was worried about it...but I'm just thankful that I have such an incredible guy all to myself. I hope I didn't disappoint...but then I didn't hear any complaints lol. I just hate the fact I loathe how I look. For once I'd just like to be okay with it. With Robbie, I could just lie about naked with him and feel perfectly comfortable...yet that was after about 3 months...so maybe I'll get there I really don't ever want to break up with him. I've never been this happy, and I know, people probably say that everytime they go out with someone new, but the way I'm treated, the way he goes about us, the way he just loves me...it just thrills me to bits.

I should be in RE now. But I asked if I could go to the study room to study...but I'm on here lol. I guess...writing all this stuff down every day, it really helps me sort out what's going on in my head. Really helps me understand why I do things, why I say stupid things. And although Gemma's still annoying me with her constant boasting...I have to remember that as long as she's happy, then it's alright. If Andi makes her happy, I shouldn't care how much she goes on like her relationship is better than mine. 'Cause really...our relationships are different, you just can't compare them. They have a very friendly, happy, fun relationship, that I don't doubt gets very cute when they're alone. What me and Martin have...it's very intimate, private, and yeah, it's a complete laugh 'cause he's always got me giggling. I wouldn't say our relationship was more serious, I think we're just open to talking about everything, nothing is a taboo subject. And we have great conversations...every time we talk I feel like I find something else out about him, something that makes me love him more, and want to hold onto him.

I know I'm crazy...I get very confused...I say really random things, can be really ditzy sometimes...but I hope he feels the same. I guess I'm pretty kind, very loyal to him, always put him first, and if I make him happy...then I'm glad. That's all I want. For him to be happy. *sigh* He's amazing. I wish there was another word for it, that one seems a bit over-used by me now lol.

Grrr...I miss him. I wish I could see him tonight. Really need a big hug. Need to feel his strong arms around me, squeezing me comfortingly, and making me feel perfectly safe. With him I do feel safe. He'll take care of me. And if he needs me to, I'm here to take care of him.

I wish I was older...I could just marry him now lol. I'm afraid...that as he gets older, and he grows as a person, he'll grow away from me. I'm scared that'll happen to me too, I suppose...I really don't want to lose him. Like ever. And what more do I really need out of life in this respect? I don't want to do the sleeping around at uni thing, I don't want to kiss random people. I only want to kiss or sleep with him.

Oh well...we'll see with time, I guess.