He Takes My Heart With Him

Your Test Results

I loved being pregnant. Not the physical aspects, so much, as just the knowledge that I was growing a baby. That we were adding to our family and this new, little person was coming to join us.

We already had three children and this fourth little guy was a surprise blessing. I couldn't wait to have a newborn, again. Their smell and the warmth of their tiny, soft bodies. Mmmmmmmmmm. I threw myself into the pregnancy routine. All the usuals of eating right, exercising, taking my prenatal vitamins. I went to every doctor's appointment and took every test.

That's where the journey faltered. Where we tripped. I'd been through this three times, already. The doctors would put the consent forms for the testing in front of me. I'd smile and sign them. Take the tests. Then, I would wait until the next appointment. That's when they were supposed to open my file, look over the information, and tell me everything looks normal. We've got it down, right? The whole routine? I know how it's supposed to go.

Only this time, I got a phone call in the middle of the afternoon. My one year old was down for a nap and my three year old was playing outside. I was standing by the kitchen table and I remember thinking how blue the sky was. The nurse on the telephone was telling me that my tests results were abnormal. That there could be something wrong. Her voice was faded, as if she were a long way away, talking to someone else. What was she saying again?

I didn't know what to say to her. Why was she doing this? She kept trying to reassure me. Telling me that usually it meant nothing. That everything would probably be fine. But I had to go for more testing. I needed a Level Two Ultrasound. She told me the date I had to go and where it would take place. I wrote it all down and felt disconnected from it. I put the paper on the kitchen counter and hung up the phone.

And, then, for a moment, I just stood there. Next to the kitchen table, staring down at my hand resting on it. I felt my chest start to tighten and continue on up my neck and into my jaw. I took two deep, wavering breaths and realized what the nurse had said. Abnormal. My eyes started filling with tears and, still, I stood there. Willing it not to be true. Please, God, abnormal? My baby? The one that is already kicking me and keeping me up at night? The one that I already love with everything that is in me? The tears were running down my cheeks and meeting at my chin, dropping off onto the floor. I didn't make a sound. I just kept standing up. Because if I didn't, I didn't know how far I'd fall.