The Life Of Me.

19th June 2005 - Meh

How do I feel...I feel let down by my dad. Cancelled seeing my sister and I today so he could have a few beers at home with his current family. This means I can't go out for my friends birthday. This friend's mother is starting chemotheraphy next week, he kinda needs us around.

I feel...unsure about me and Martin, for some reason. I feel lost. I feel like I love him so much that I might burst. I feel so scared of getting hurt. I feel so scared that I won't ever live up to his expectations or his memories of past g/f's...I don't even know why. He's been through it with me that they weren't good g/f's. And yet, they still pose a threat in my head. What is with me? I need to fucking get over it, you know what I mean? I should just trust him completely, but it's so hard...I trusted Lacka completely, and he betrayed me. I guess it's hard. But I'll get there.

I still feel that sometimes he isn't completely open to me. That he doesn't trust me enough with his feelings or his thoughts, like he doesn't think they're important enough, but they are. Maybe it's too much to ask for him to be open to me...it probably is. It's not like he hides all his feelings, he confesses to having some lol, which is more than I'm used to. God...I just want him to be happy...I want to be able to be there for him. Argh. If you read the bit of prose I've written about him in my port...you'll kind of get a feel for how I feel about him. I'm just overwhelmed. And I miss him so fucking much. I'm tired, it's too hot, I need a bath but I just want to go to bed

Bleeeeeeeh.