The Life Of Me.

20th June 2005 - Happy :-D

Today...Quite strange. I woke up in a fantastic mood, having dreamt lovely dreams about Martin, then when I got to school, just felt really lonely. Not even my Zen Micro could keep me company. Just felt so alone. I always seem to lose friends. Gemma. I hate her. She is such an evil person. Full of discontent, lack of self esteem and the desire to hurt and mess around other people in order to make sure she's okay. She's so fucking selfish. Now she's using Kirsty, again. No doubt she'll come running back to me when Kirsty isn't very nice to her. I actually feel sorry for Andi. He kinda deserves better sometimes...he isn't the most perfect guy, but she's just plain evil lol. Manipulative, dishonest, untrustworthy.

At least Martin and I are happy. I feel so happy By now I would have suspected that I would feel very comfortable, stuck in a rut of routines and stuff, 'cause that's where I'm usually at around 2 months. But for me, things still feel unbelievably new and exciting. I think it's maybe because I'm still getting to know him. I knew Carl and Lacka pretty well before I was seeing them, so maybe it was easier to get into a routine. I love finding out more about him. Even if it's not happy stuff, I want to know what's affected him, what's shaped him into the amazing person that he is. I've always believed that every experience you have has a very big effect on who you will become. Everyone has a reason, whether it's a pathetic one or not, for doing what they do. It's not that I'm passing the blame onto somebody else, just I think people's thoughts/emotions/experiences do need to be taken into account when passing judgement on their acts.

With Gemma, what really has she been through...she lives a comfortable life with a close family, she's had no real problems her entire life apart from having an extremely bad bitching problem. She has no excuse for being the way she is. I don't care if it's because she's insecure, but she ruins people's lives. She's ruined mine enough times. But I won't let her do it again. Nothing is going to take Martin away from me, apart from him. The decision is always his whether we're together. I'm his for always.

I've done 4,477 steps today lol. I need to do 10,000 to make any progress with my "must look nice naked" bid. I suppose it is only 1.40pm, there's lots of time left to walk around

Man I'm in love. I'm actually in love. How lush is that to say. I've never been this happy in my life. Obviously there are other things in my life that make me sad, but altogether, I have no complaints. He's made me see the good in everything, made me see how truly lucky I am. Latest worries...none. I'm not really worried about anything. I'm bored of school, yeah, granted, six more weeks after my exams have already finished...just seems pointless...but life in general...life is good There has definitely not been very many times I've been able to say that. I've often convinced myself I've been happy, but it's been a lie. You can smile a lot to convince yourself you're happy. True happiness...that's the warm fuzzy feeling in your stomach, that's smiling as you're walking down the street, feeling satisfied at the end of the day, thanking whatever God you believe in for blessing you.

I do thank Spirit every day for helping me find and keep Martin. I know that I'm extremely lucky for coming across him, and I'm extremely thankful to the divine intervention that I believe had a part in it. Maybe it was my time to truly be happy. Maybe I'd learnt enough in past relationships to actually make one work.

That's my theory. Every relationship you have is experience. You learn all the time. Even if that relationship ends, you can take something away from it. All that experience and all those lessons are there for when you meet the right person. Without that experience, you might muck things up. So...I am thankful to Carl and Lacka for being such complete arseholes, because I've learnt from them. I've learnt what I deserve, and what to be thankful for in a man. I'm thankful that my man is extremely thoughtful, he loves me, he's mostly happy, he cares about me, he's generous, he's very kind and loving, and I *matter*. Do you know how many times I asked Lacka just to act as if I mattered to him? I felt like I meant nothing, yeah that may have been true...but...man, I fell for so many lies. Trust is so hard...

Hmm...Well I have Theatre Studies next. Whippee. Well that's good actually, I'd just rather be on my Summer Hols by now

I hope whoever's reading this is having a good day, and don't forget to smile