The Life Of Me.

21st June 2005 - Very Annoyed And Upset

So...today...feel like shit really.

There's a party on saturday. It's gonna be the first time me and all my friends, and Lacka, are all going to be together since he cheated on me. I asked Martin if he wanted to come with me. He said he would. I was glad...I really felt like I needed the support of having him by my side.

Now he says he can't go. And I got very upset. It's not because I still have feelings for my ex and want to show off, it's not that at all...I just wanted my boyfriend's support while I was there, to prove to myself that I'm not completely useless and that I'm better off than Lacka. I feel like Martin's really mad at me for caring this much about my ex being there...but he really doesn't understand what it's like...

Everyone is *his* friend. Everyone warned me not to go out with him. I know I was stupid, but I didn't want to be constantly reminded while I was there, without having something to say that I'm actually better off without him anyway. Having Martin by my side would actually have been nice. I would also have loved to be able to go up to the person who completely broke me, my self esteem and my heart, and say "Hey, this is my boyfriend. He is the love of my life who loves me for who I am." I dunno why I feel I have to prove to him that I'm loveable...but I do.

He said he loved me...then "fell out of love" with me. Do you know how much that fucking hurt? To love someone with just about everything you can give, and have them turn around and say that they don't love you anymore...but are willing to "work things through". He was such a liar. I trusted him. I trusted that with me it would be different because of our history. And it wasn't. To be honest, I shouldn't get angry about it anymore, just when everyone licks his arse for being such a fucking stud, I do. And it wasn't even that long ago.

I know me being upset cannot be very nice for Martin. If he was getting annoyed about his ex, I would feel like shit, and as if he still wanted to be with her. I don't though. And I hope he knows that...he hurt me, I'm still not over it. It's all to do with my self confidence, I had none to start with because Carl used to put me down all the time...and then he goes off with a "hotter" girl who's a complete mong. That's why I always feel so unworthy of Martin...I don't feel like I'm worthy to be loved by him. He deserves someone so much better than me, so much prettier, so much sexier, so much nicer and so much more emotionally stable. Arggghh....why do I always let things get to me so much. It's like I can't do things by half. I can't just get a little bit upset, I have to get very upset. And why...where does it get me?

Yes, I'm really fucking hormonal, I have no idea why I'm so mad. I'm on and I shouldn't be. I'm tired when I shouldn't be. I'm not even at fucking school and I should be. Grrr at the world. I was so happy. I just wanted my boyfriend there with me, I wanted to show him to prove to the world and myself that I am loveable. Usually I'm not one to show off...but in front of all Lacka's mates, I really felt I needed to.

It doesn't matter, I guess. He can't go, end of story. I've asked mum if he can sleep over on Saturday, since he can't get home and that's why he can't come. She'll never let him. No matter how important this is to me. It shouldn't even be. Grrrr.

And fucking Gemma. Lol. Jesus man. After hardly talking to me at all, she comes on-fucking-line and asks if she can buy something on my eBay account. It took a lot of guts for me to say it, but I said no. I said she can't just ignore me and act like we're not friends and expect me to just do whatever she wants and do favours for her. I can't be used like that anymore. I deserve better. She was talking to me alright today though. I think she understands. Chatting away as normal. I just want things to go back to normal. I mean I will never trust her again. But I don't mind listening to her talk about herself and everyone elses business...keeps me in the know :oP

*sigh* I feel better now that's all out. I think I deserve a nice cup of tea now. And I think I left the dog outside........oops.