Personal Journal

Just a kayaking entry

There were two things that happened to me which have made me recognize something philosophical about kayaking, and maybe they have applicability to life in general.

I got all my rolls but two today. I probably did between 20 and 30, practicing in various currents (mild currents).

On both, I tried to roll twice, maybe three times, kept failing. I had to do 2 t-rescues today - all the rest I rolled up on my own. I did NOT have to swim. I was never out of my boat for 4 hours on the river.

Anyhow, I missed that first roll, each of those times, and then I got a little breath, and was back under. And I realized that my instinct was to rush into position to get that second one. It started to - not panic - but it started to dictate to me what I was supposed to do. So I rushed, and I tried to roll up, and I got up enough to get another little breath - littler than the first one, and I end up upside down again.

Then I tap the boat, and I got the T-rescue, so it's no big deal. But toward the end of the day, same thing happened - missed my first roll, and I can BARELY remember this thought going through my head. It went through while I was underwater after the first fail, and honestly, I didn't remember it until a few minutes ago that this thought had been there.

I can remember saying to myself: If you want air, you are going to HAVE to go slower, and get your setup properly. And I got it on the second try.

Kayaking is SO much about finding calm in a situation where your body wants you to panic. I'm getting there. I'm finding the calm in many more situations. But what I also know is that every time I take a step forward in the difficulty of the rivers and manuevers I try to complete, the fear is there to greet me.

Getting my roll is a huge step. When you know you can roll, then you don't have to fear being upside down, and if you don't fear being inverted, you can learn to push the envelope when you're upright.

The one t-rescue I had was the other thing. I failed those two rolls, and I banged on the boat. And I felt like I waited a while. I'd already failed the roll twice, so I'd spent a lot of energy, and used a lot of oxygen in my blood in that few seconds trying to roll. And again, I felt the body urging me to escape the inversion, bail on the boat.

I don't know at all where the courage to wait came from, but I waited. I'm not sure how long, all tolled, we probably pushed 30 or more seconds (after my last failed roll). I banged, I waited, and I felt along the sides of my boat. I thought about bailing, then I felt the other boat hit mine (that's how you know he's there in position) so I reached and felt - I wasn't sure what side he was on. And I couldn't feel his hull within hands reach, so there I am, my hands up out of the water - must look funny - trying to find a boat I can't see. So I banged again, and Mike hit my boat and that time I could tell he was right side. My body was starting to feel the strain of holding my breath so long, and I had to find his boat, and get my head up.

And I did. I knew I'd been under a while, so I just put my hands on his boat and got my head up and onto my hands there, and took a few breaths. Everybody was really proud of me :) And then I did a hipsnap and I was upright.

Gordon (the lead - Mike was the trail boat) asked me about it, and he said he didn't think I was going to make it. And I said "I knew he'd be right there."

That's not something I'd do - hold out that long - if I didn't know that the two safeties were such fantastic boaters. I knew they could reach me before I ran out of air.

Inasmuch as I'd love to be elated about not swimming all day - what I'm really proud of is that I've developed some measuarble ability to hold out against the stress of inversion.

There's a lot to learn about grace under pressure in this sport. I thought I had grace under pressure before, and I did. But this is completely different. Kayaking trips my real survival fears - or it did I guess. It still will in the future.

In two weeks I do a more challenging course. And I've got practicing to do - I still am weak on my left side brace, and I can't roll left side yet. And I have instincts that still need to be told they are unhelpful.