The Life Of Me.

27th June 2005 - Confoosed.

Hmm....

I've had a bit of a weird day. Kinda feel a bit mood swingy. Sometimes I'm really happy, other times I just feel really, really shit. Grr...

And...was going to meet Martin after his training day at Northern Rock...put all my make-up on, done my hair, got my bag sorted, was raring to go. I was going to walk down there, 'cause I really want to lose fat. I want to look amazing...and I really missed him...so when I get a text just when I've opened the door to leave saying he'd already left and was on the way home...I was absolutely gutted. Still am. And I dunno...he hasn't text me for like 3 hours lol. He can't possibly be shopping still...Man...why do I care? Why can't I just not miss him as much. Why can't I not be so addicted. WHY CAN'T I BE FRICKIN' NORMAL.

I just feel so...abnormal...so insecure and possessive and needy and awful. I feel like such an icky person right now. I want him to want me as much as I always want him. But he doesn't. He's perfectly fine without me and here I am moaning about how much I miss him and wish he'd talk to me. Argh. Hate this.

Had a great weekend though. We went to the party, together. Had a good time, had a giggle at Robbie, chatted with everyone and stuff, then went to town, had a boogie and more giggles....and he was perfect. Everything about him, I just love so completely. I couldn't stop telling him. Just...I dunno...we have so much fun, and yet the way we feel is so serious...I've never felt like this about anyone before. Sometimes I do wish I wasn't so consumed by him though...just means I'm almost constantly hurt because I always miss him so much...and it really does hurt.

I took him to the bus stop last night, and I just felt so horrible...horrible, horrible emptiness surging through me as I watched the bus drive past me...If I could, I'd move in with him now lol. I want to go to sleep with him beside me, and wake up to him beside me...I probably am too young, and if you read my poem "Sands of Time", you'll understand how badly I just want to grow up so I can do all these wonderful things with him. I don't have any patience :-S

Grr...it was also really nice him not having to leave on Saturday...Mum actually let him stay over. Three months ago I wasn't emotionally mature enough to have my boyfriend stay over, or me sleep at their house. And now...Martin was allowed to stay at mine I was very thankful. Then I got to spend all Sunday with him too. He met Alan's parents, sister and grand-niece....lol. He's just so lovely...I don't deserve him. He deserves someone who can make him happy.

He was telling me about this girl he was seeing from Swindon...where everytime she came up, they would start seeing eachother...kinda scared that if she does come up, I'll get dumped lol. To start seeing her that many times over and over...she must be some amazing girl. And she must really like him. Can I make him happy enough to not leave me when she comes up? lol. And Jesus, how inferior do I always feel...

I don't feel as if I'm as good as any of his exes...the way he talks about them...I dunno...he never really says anything that bad...and he always steers away from him loving them...eek....I don't like it. I don't like how I can honestly say I haven't been "in" love until Martin...but by the way he steers round that...he blatantly has....and I dunno...the fairytale is that we've both never really been in love before, and we fall madly in love...and live happily ever after. I always think you can't be in love more than once...because once you're in love, you can't ever really get out of it. And if he's been in love before...just makes me feel a bit :-S because to me...that means he still loves them.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Make me happy someone