what matters and why

at the end

I'm not a good person when I'm with you..... I can't

explain. It's almost as if I become this horrible

monster. I wake up and want to beat my head up

against the wall. I don't want to look at myself in the

mirror. I don't want to pretend like I'm okay. I'm not.

Whatever emotions I had have completely

disintegrated in time. I'm disgusted with myself for

believing the things I did. For moving here. For

pretending like I could do this when I knew all along I

couldn't. I try, but I have built a wall so big around

my heart you will never get in. You have hurt me

more than you could ever imagine. I know you think I

feel nothing but I feel everything. All that's happened

plays over and over again in my head and it won't

stop. I think that if I get out of this it will go away.

Maybe you think that I never loved you so you justify

your actions, but that's not the case. True, I did not

want to be married when I was not ready. But over

time, I began to respect you for what I thought you

had become. Career, ambition, things I didn't have

and you did. I did put you up on a pedestal and

thought that I could never compare. That's all come

crashing down. The respect is gone. Seems like it was

all a big lie.... Maybe it was maybe it wasn't.

Possible that you could be a good person one day.

But it won't ever be good enough for me now. You've

hurt me too much. Like you put a knife in my heart

and twisted it around. I can't forgive you. I can

pretend. I'm good at that. But I know you don't want

fakeness. You want real affection, and I don't have

that for you anymore.

I love my children and I want the best for them. I

don't think they deserve a mother who allows people

to walk all over her. Don't they deserve a role model

with a backbone? Every day, on my mind constantly.

What do I do? I chose to be here, with you. Why

can't I make myself work through this? What's wrong

with me that I can't move on from all that's

happened? I can't just let it go. The thing is, there is

no trust. Not one single ounce in me. I question every

move you make. You are the enemy. I need to

defend myself. Take care of me. If I don't do that,

who will? You have proved that you can't do that job.

You are selfish and when it comes to the big

decisions, you think of you. I know you love your

children, but sometimes I think self pity and misery

takes over your being and you can't cope with reality.

I am so exhausted with all of this sometimes I don't

even want to get out of bed.

I'm far from perfect. In fact I have a lot of work to do

before I become the person I need to be. I have no

respect for myself. Addictions, obsessions and

unfaithfulness is destructive to a relationship and your

choices to engage in those activities has torn us apart.

I'm sorry you did those things. But as long as I stay,

you will continue. I take some of the blame since I

didn't stand up for myself in the beginning. I should

followed through with the original divorce papers. I set

myself up for this. I'm addicted to the drama you

create. But I enable you to continue. It will never

end. I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster.