He Takes My Heart With Him

Surgery - Three Days Old

The day of surgery, they still hadn't come to a concrete decision on whether or not it would occur. The OR was reserved for 2pm. A little after noon, after Jack's nurse told us that it still hadn't been finalized, my husband and I went for a quick lunch in the hospital cafeteria.

After eating, I stepped outside to call my parents, who were staying with our other three children. The hospital had a nice area outside the main hospital doors with benches and beautiful gardens. It was overcast and it was misting just a tiny bit. I stood in the fresh air and breathed deep while I explained what I knew to my parents. As I looked up at the gray sky, I felt amazed at how big it looked. Our world had become so small.

We went back inside and rode, quietly, up in the elevator. The NICU receptionist saw us come around the corner and said, "Oh! There you are! They're looking for you." She hit the button that opened the double doors, and we saw our nurse and another nurse dressed in scrubs pushing Jack's isolette down the hallway towards us. She called out to us, "You're just in time! They're taking him to the OR."

Our little son was lying quietly in his enclosed isolette, rolling towards us. We had almost missed him. The hallway seemed long and bathed in a soft light. That moment will stay with me forever. Watching him come towards me and knowing I had to let him go. Again.