The Life Of Me.

14th July 2005

Grrrr. Ran for the bus again today, got just to the bus stop, and the bus driver drove off. Meh. I was upset. And late for school again. Not that anybody noticed anyway lol. But still. I've been walking down and getting the bus I've never been bothered to get before. So I'm proud. Especially since I've got NO ENERGY AT ALL. I tried exercising a little bit this morning to wake myself up...didn't work lol. S'pose the running for the bus helped wake me up...and almost have an asthma attack. Nasty bus driver. I'm sure he laughed at me too.

Mr Martin is still asleep. Somebody commented on my blog, and said that ugliness is everywhere, but that beauty can be found...like Mr Martin or something like that... and that I have to savour every good moment with him and just enjoy it, because it might not last. As scary and upsetting as that thought is...it might not. There is always that possibility. But with Martin, I'm willing to take the chance. I guess, if this doesn't work...I'll probably turn into a recluse...if that's how you spell that word. I won't want to love again. I've put my entire soul into this relationship so far, and I'm going to keep giving so that it works. I'll be a tad broken if it doesn't work :-S I miss him. You know when you just feel like you haven't spent any proper time alone? I feel like that. I just want to be able to sit with him, lie next to him looking into his eyes. He's got such beautiful eyes...he calls them swampy...but I think they're the most beautiful eyes I've seen...rimmed with dark green, then a lush emerald green in the middle, and around the pupil a golden colour...gorgeous I could stare at them for hours. Heck, I could stare at him for hours and still be amazed that such a beautiful person is mine. All mine not that I'm greedy. I'm willing to share. Yum yum.

I'm still pissed off about Gemma. She's taken away his best friend by making Andi think Martin's lying. When he's not. What a bitch. She made Andi stop seeing Sal aswell. She's stopped him from seeing James. And now she's influenced him not seeing Martin too. Martin's gutted...really gutted. Think he really misses Andi's friendship, as much as he might not always be there back for him...I think Martin thinks he's not good enough for Andi anymore. Yeah, he might not be "Metal" enough or "emo" enough, whatever Andi and Gem say they are now...but he's a good friend, who's mint to be around...and I think Andi knows that deep down, he's just too proud to do anything about it. I really want to shoot Gemma. Or kick her to shit. But Martin won't let me He says it'll just cause more shit with Andi. It needs to get sorted though! And I feel so helpless...'cause, really...although it's Gemma's fault really, it was because of me that this all started. I wish I could help, wish I could fix it.

I'm sick of Carl aswell. Can't he just leave me alone? Yes, I feel bad that I destroyed his life, took away the only thing he had. But it really ain't my problem...it's been like 8 months since we broke up...what can I do? It's his birthday on Friday, 18th...I would get him a card...but I don't want to lol. It would probably be nice for him, but inappropriate. Don't think it would lie to well with his parents either. Since they hate me. They probably think it's my fault that he's gone downhill and is eternally unhappy...oh wait, it is my fault lol. I just want to forget about him. Yeah, I'll always remember him, he was my first etc...(even though I wish he wasn't now), I don't want to keep having to talk to him, I just want to move on with my life and not have to always feel bad for what I did to him. It's not nice to know that I hurt him so badly...I care about him yeah, but there's nothing I can do. I don't want to be friends with him...I don't even like him lol.

Oh well...