The Life Of Me.

14th July 2005 - Me

Well...I've just spent that last lesson playing "Just A Minute" which is a game where you have to talk about a subject that somebody else gives you for a minute. I won Was quite fun really...The subject of "Nicola" (Me) came up...and I had to talk about myself...made me start thinking...who am I? I'm a 17 year old girl. I like writing, singing, music, Buffy, chocolate, cheese, Martin, my family, my friends...I dislike Gemma, nasty people, people who lie, cheat, steal....all evil people I don't like really...I'm not very religious, I pray to the Wiccan Spirit every day, but I don't do any rites. However, I read in a Wicca book that I can worship Spirit however I like. I like to pray to Spirit and ask it for advice and guidance, and thank it for all that I have...I really don't like the Catholic church...I think it is manipulative, sexist, and it could be good...it could really be the light for some people, but I think it was changed. Some not very nice people took over it many years ago and changed the world as we know it, and not for the good. We cannot force religion on anybody, we can only believe in what we believe in...And belief...to me, it's like hope...I think we should all have some kind of hope. Whether it's a registered sort of hope, or the private hope where we might pray to our guardian angel, or talk to our conscience to try and help us...it's all kinda hope...I think anyway. What else about me...My parents are divorced, my dad remarried without telling me...they have two children, Alex (5) and Matthew (1), who are gorgeous. His wife is a maniac. Nice sometimes, but gives my dad a curfew...he's 45! My mum has been seeing her partner Alan for like 7 years...I think...and he's cool, does a lot for us. Can't imagine life without him really, so I hope they stay together forever. I want to do psychology at University...I'm sick of people trying to get me to move away...I want to go to Newcastle Uni, as it's a great uni, and in the city I live in after that degree I want to do a Masters...I'm not sure what in, but in the end result, I want to be doing counselling or private therapy...I want to listen to people, I want to help, and I want to make a difference. That has always been my dream. I like school, I love learning...my school's alright...used to be a bit of a dictatorship, but it's ok at the moment...my teachers are great, some of them aren't the best at their job, but they really care. I love drama, performing is something that will always run through my veins...hopefully...everyone's going to do that at college next year...but I dunno...as much as I love it...I don't think that's what I've got to do in life. There are people who are made for performing...and I think I'm made for something else. I'm going to help people in a different way I don't think I'll ever give up drama though, or singing...I love it far too much, but I'd rather keep it as a hobby I think...though I would love recognition...I'm learning Spanish, and I love that, though it's really hard...and I'm the only one in the class lol. I'm predicted all A's at A-level, but I'm not sure I'll get it...I got A's in my psychology modules...but I really don't think I'll be getting A's when I get my results in August. I work at a bank called Northern Rock on Saturdays, where my Dad is a big boss...and I love it in my department. The people are fantastic, I've made some good friends...I hope anyway...Will be weird when we all go our separate ways...

I've always been too "mature" for my age, been called two-faced, been told to grow up...but I honestly, hand on heart, try my best...I'm not perfect. I take things for granted sometimes, but I do appreciate things too. I appreciate that I'm in good health, that most of the people I love are in good health too, that I have people to love, people who love me, friends, family, I have talents and gifts, I'm gifted at school, I get good grades. My parents are always there for me. My sister Katie, she's a bit evil...but I love her all the same. She's cool most of the time...

What else can I say about myself? I think by most people I'm misunderstood...people think I'm bitchy, snobby....I'm not...I don't mean to be bitchy, I know I bitch about people, but I don't mean it in that way...I just like to get things off my chest, and people take it the wrong way. I always kinda thought of myself as a good person, I hope I still am. I'm not very nice to the people I sit with at school...granted I don't really like most of them, part from Joe and Stuey, but I probably should make the effort to be nicer to them.

I love Martin...he's a dream. He treats me like I always hoped I'd be treated. I've been hurt a lot. Things to do with the heart never seem to go my way, I've made a lot mistakes. I have a lot of regrets, but I have to deal with them, accept them, and learn from them. I've had 2 other serious boyfriends...one, was a complete dick, and I deserved better, but I had no self confidence, I hated myself, I still do I suppose...Probably why I'm moaning about myself. The other...I'd always had a crush on...thought he was kinda...I dunno...that person who I'd never really get over, would always be with in a way...but he's not even in my heart anymore. I thought he would be...I guess it's because of Martin. He's pushed up the boundaries to what love's supposed to be. He's everything my exes weren't, and more...I've never clicked more with anybody...I know I'm not very nice to him either...not all the time anyway...and I know it's mostly my hormones or I'm overtired...but he deserves better. He's been hurt a lot, people have taken advantage of him, and I guess I think it's my job, if I don't have him forever...to make him see that he's worth it...that he's special and that he deserves the world, and that he has the world at his feet. He's going to go far if he just keeps it up...he's a gorgeous person...not perfect either, but nobody really is. I think he's just perfect for me

I've been writing for a long time...and I feel quite down...so I'm going to do some work instead. Catch you later alligators