The Life Of Me.

17th July 2005 - *Bleh* and *Meh* and *Sigh*

Well...Friday night was fun. The night was only dampered when Martin got upset about his mum again, saying it was his fault that she died, that he could have done more for her, went to see her in hospital some more. It was horrible...all the things he told me...all the things he said about hating himself, that he didn't deserve to live...I just hated hearing it. He didn't remember in the morning either. Maybe I shouldn't have told him...but I just couldn't go walking around pretending I was fine, when all the things he'd said were tearing me up inside...I was worried about him, and I couldn't carry it all knowing that was how he felt.

Felt really silly yesterday night though...I wrote him a massive, massive email about it all and how I felt...and he kinda said nothing...said it was fine, was good to know how I felt etc...I was expecting a little bit more. I don't know exactly what more...just...I dunno...something. I put my heart into it, my entire soul was in that email...and all he said was "ok" basically...I can bring tears to his eyes with a text message...yet I can't rouse a small smile at the most heart-filled email of my life...

I want to go with him to see his mum's memorial bench, tie some flowers to it, clean it if need be...I don't think he's ever been since she died...at least he hasn't mentioned it...And his sister...she's 15, she hardly speaks, yet I can see the pain, the hardships, how much she's struggling with the life of a teenager, pretty much on her own. Girls need a mum around. Yeah, she's got Linda...but...I dunno, I can't see Linda being too sensitive about things. I kinda wanna help Carolyn myself, I wanna be there for her. But it's none of my business I suppose...Can't go forcing myself on their lives lol...just gotta make sure Martin's happy...

He's out with Andi tonight...Which means, Andi and Gemma. Which annoys the fuck outta me. Yeah, Martin said that Andi told him that me, him and Andi should all go out (no mention of Gemma), but that's just code for, "do not invite Nicola tonight, please, because me and Gemma don't like her." At least in my head. It annoys me that once we were all able to go out together, and because of one person's lies...one person's pride, it's all gone...and I'm not included. It's like there's a unsaid rule that if someone elses g/f's are going, then all g/f's should go. I think. Especially when it's her, what she's done to me, the thousand times she's hurt me, used me, betrayed me...and it's like she's getting one up over me. I'm not invited because I'm the "reject", and she's the wonderful one...If you know what I mean...Should I react like this? Should I feel envy, jealousy...should I feel anything at all? I'm not sure...I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to be okay with him out with her...I really need to start going out with other mates again. I guess he's gonna feel like this for the week I'm in Spain. I won't try and rub anything in...I'm just going to be honest, tell him I'm having a great time, that I miss him and that I hope he's okay...he said he was coming to meet me at the airport when I get in...he said he might cry lol. Too bad that I come in at midnight...I would have liked to see his reaction to my homecoming lol. Meh. I miss him. I don't think I'll text him...just to be awkward *sigh*, not that that will get me anywhere at all...he can't reply anyway, so there's no point in texting him. He's gonna text when he's home, but that won't be till like half 11 and I'm going to be wrapped up in bed asleep...hopefully...if I was in a really bad mood I'd just turn my phone off so there's no chance of me waking up to reply to him...but I'm not...I might even put my phone so that it'll ring when he texts...because I miss him...

He also said loadsa shit about his ex on Friday...about how he still feels for her, and that he can't feel properly for me because of it...I told him that...and he said it was complete and utter rubbish...I dunno...I still feel weird about it all. I want to see him when he's not tired and hungover...so that he can look into my eyes and tell me that I'm the only one in his heart. *sigh*. Why oh why. Can't I just think normal for a change? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.