The Life Of Me.

22nd July 2005 - *boredom*

It's the last day of school today. And I'm sat in the study room, waiting for my lesson to begin. Which isn't till 11am And it's my only lesson. I just want to go and see Martin...get all hot and bothered like he got me on the Metro :-S that felt a little naughty...People sat all around us, a person across from us in the next carriage....was very naughty. But very exciting...*anyway* I only really thought I'd be in today to say goodbye to people, but there's only like 10 people in...and nobody important to me. So it all feels a little pointless. And in my only lesson...which will be Spanish, lesson 3...I've just done the work because I'm so bored. Granted, we're only typing up what I've done so far for my coursework, but still...I'm really struggling with the coursework...Can't seem to get a grip on it, just random sentences. I don't feel very Spanish-y either...it doesn't flow...but at least I'm going to Spain soon TUESDAY!!!! Excitement. I hope it's good. I don't like getting too excited for things, because then they always seem to go wrong.

Kirsty annoys me. She's not a very nice person. She's a tease, a slag, a liar, a bitch and an attention seeker. And she's Gemma's friend again. So double hate-worthy really. And she talks about Gemma all the time...especially when I'm there, as if to rub it in that she doesn't want to be my friend anyway. If I think logically, I know that Gemma was a bad friend anyway, she doesn't deserve to be friends with someone like me...I'm above her. Still hurts that she doesn't like me though, and for no reason lol. I guess she's changed. I feel sorry for Andi. He probably deserves better, and there he is, loving someone who lies to him. I think maybe he knows...and at least he's mates with Martin again. That's the important thing. Still gets to me when they're together though, it's a reminder of how they fixed their friendship, and how I'm not worth the effort...*sigh* oh well...I feel different about Martin today. Detached but very in love. He looks different in my head aswell. More beautiful, godly, completely out of my league, but mine all the same

It's funny...I hate the way I look, yet he thinks I'm gorgeous, I get beeped at all the time, stared at all the time when I walk down the street...and I always think people are taking the piss. I suppose, either way, I'm not letting it go to my head, which is good. I know I'm not that good looking. Especially my bottom half. I may have a nice-ish face...but my bum and thighs are extremely fat. They don't really match the rest of my body...which is a bit odd lol. Martin still has sex with me though, so it can't be that bad. He loves me that's all that matters to him I suppose, not whether I'm a big tub of lard from the hips down...It's so unfair aswell, I have a tiny waist, great boobs, good arms, alright stomach, then these big inflated balloons as bum and legs. Not fair. And my knees...*bleh* how chubby do they want to be lol. I should kind of be ashamed to walk around with them on show! It's nice that he loves me though...and he *really* does. No lies. No cheats. No mind-games. Just love. I don't know whether it's as deep for him as it is for me, whether it's as real...but I hope it is. I wish he had the same ability as me to convey how I feel in words...he says he'll prove it one day, he'll show me how he feels...like on the day he proposes to me. If he asked me now I'd say yes lol, obviously not to get married anytime soon...but just as a promise...just as a reminder of our future plans...of our promise to love each other always. I'd love a promise ring from him...that would just make me so happy...especially if he wore one lol. Even if it was on his right hand...just a little band to show that he's proud to be mine and that I'm proud to be his.

He is truly wonderful. Yeah, we do argue sometimes over really rubbish stuff...and ooh...the other day...he said something that really kinda got to me...but I pretended it didn't...when he accused me jokily about checking out this random guy...I said, as a test, that he probably does it, and he said he tries his hardest not to...which means that he finds other women attractive! Argh lol. And that he thinks about them in a sexual way, wants them, and thinks they're better looking than me. Which is hard to deal with I think...for me...I may look at a guy and think, he's got a nice face, I wonder what he's like as a person, but I don't fantasise, I don't "check him out". Just looking really. I like to look at people. I like figuring out what type of person they might be just be noticing the little things about them. I certainly do not think of any other guys in the way I think about Martin...Nobody compares, nobody is sexy like is, and I don't fancy anybody but him. Yeah, I get chuffed if a alright looking guy smiles at me, or stares at me...but that's just because it's nice to know that if Martin suddenly didn't want me anymore, I'm not completely repellant to other people.

And grrr...on his Myspace.com account, he's "friends" with this guy who's running a competition for the sexiest woman on myspace. And it's full of pictures of beautiful women in their underwear in sexy poses. Just knowing that he's looked through all them...had sexual thoughts about them...is a little...bleh. Especially since I look so bad in my underwear...completely...meh. I'm not beautiful. They are. I'm not sexy. They are. He's a guy. That's what he desires. I'm not....well, okay...I am...but I'm not them. I won't ever look like them, and he'll always want people like them. At least in my head...or is he just looking? I dunno. I don't see why he adds all those scantily clad women as friends in the first place? Does he browse for girls in their underwear then adds them? He's got loads. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? And why do I care...Maybe I should care, maybe I shouldn't...I'm not sure. Oh well...My fingers are hurting...from all this super-speed typing I'm doing. I'm gonna go. I may post again later because I'm boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooored. *sigh*

I love Martin, I hope he loves me the same way.