The Life Of Me.

22nd July 2005 11.51am

For the first time in months, I’ve just had the thought run through my mind that life is crap. For months, I’ve been completely satisfied, so happy and outgoing…and all that’s happened lately between us, is arguing, him shouting at me on the phone, and me wanting to see him when he’s not ready. I understand that he can’t see me if he’s not ready, but it’s the fact he shouts at me for even asking…shouts at me for wanting to see him…I know I can’t see him all the time…but when I know that I can’t see him for the next four days and I might be able to have an extra hour with him, it upsets me to be shouted at for asking…Why is he being like this He’s acting like Carl in a way. I’ve not been this upset about something relationship-y for months…I never thought he could act like this. I asked him if this was the beginning of the end…he hasn’t replied to my email yet. I’m not sure he will. I’m not sure he cares. I think he thinks I’m just going to run after him at the time I said I’d be there instead of earlier. I’m not sure whether I should go at all. If he’s just going to act like a dick. Why…I mean…why can he seem so perfect, and all of a sudden act like someone completely different I feel so lost…so alone. Confused…I’m not sure whether this is worth it…if it’s going to be like with Carl…I’m afraid of getting hurt every other day over nothing…I only wanted to see him and I’m going to Spain on Tuesday and he’s working tonight, tomorrow, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday…is it a crime to want to see him an hour earlier I don’t think so…is it me? Do I make people act like this? Am I fucking wrong? Am I so unlovable, that not even the man that I would spend my life with can put up with me?

I’m so confused…arguing all the time…over shit. And if I think about it, he starts it…I may not be the best at keeping my feelings undercover, but I didn’t deserve to be shouted at and told I’m pathetic. Really didn’t. This is like a nightmare…it has to be me…Man, I wanna cry…I just want him to come riding in on his white horse, roses in one hand, holding out the other for me to grab hold of so that he can apologise and say that everything is going to be okay. I’m not sure everything can be okay anymore…

Can’t believe I’m having doubts…This is awful…my life is falling away…it’s the last day of school, I finished early, I wanted to see if I could meet him earlier…I get shouted at and told I’m pathetic….I thought today would be a good day…not having to go back to school for 6 weeks…but no, I’m sat here, on my own…unsure of what to do…unsure of how I feel…I need a hug, but there’s no-one here to give it.