My Crazy Life in a Nutshell

7/27 This is not goodbye

Amazing. I have failed myself in a way. I have stopped taking the time to write. I am not sure if it the exhaustion that I feel day after day, or if I can't commit to myself, but I know that I need to do this. More often than not, I find that I fail myself in that I don't do what I want. I WANT to write. I believe that I have the potential to be a good if not great writer. I only need the discipline (and maybe a little more time).
My baby boy is 3 months old today. My oldest will be three in less than a week. I cried at the realization that my boys are growing up. Time is flying, and I am not having fun. Yes, they are a blast, yet this is the hardest job I have ever had!!! I am so worried that I am going to fail them. Those beautiful boys don't deserve a failure, they deserve the best. I hope that I can be the best.
My 3 year old killed me the other day. He saw my pill bottle on the table the other day and wanted it. My mother told him no, it was his mommies medicine. He asked if I was sick, to which she replied, "no". That little wonder looked at her and said, "yes she is. she is sick in the head nana." I don't want to lie to them about my depression, my mood swings, my anger issues or anything. Yet to know that they pick up on so much is like a dagger in my heart. I wish that I didn't have these problems to work out. I wish that I were perfect and could be everything that they need.
I am trying to be the best mother that I can be, and here I am, turning into the monster that I resented as a child... my own mother. Can I overcome this with the pills? Can therapy really help me to see the error of my ways? Can I put my anger towards my own mothers' faults aside and be a better mother? God help me, I hope that I can. I don't want my kids to feel the mixed emotions towards me that I feel towards her. I don't want them to say, "who is this woman?" as I do about my own mother.
I see her in my mannerisms....I hear her in my voice....I catch her in my reflection, laughing behind my eyes, reminding me that this apple did not fall very far from that damned tree...the tree that cursed us out of Eden. Now Heather, that wasn't very nice. To refer to her as a devil is not being truthful.
I do love her. I also love to hate her. And I'd hate to become her. I am going to do everything in my power to change NOW!!! I can't do that to them, those three beautiful boys that I adore so much.

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"In the morning, everything will look brighter. The sooner you close your eyes, the sooner the darkness will disappear." - A whisper to my Jacob, as he lay afraid to go to sleep.