My True Soul

A rant, basically.

{c:green] I feel annoyed. Very annoyed. But in a way, what's new? I'm always annoyed.

I guess right now is worse because of one of my casual friends just dying. I haven't felt like dealing with the things I've had to. I'm okay, mostly. And although she and I weren't best friends, I'm going to miss her. But in a couple of days, I'll be fine.

However, as of monday, the day of her visitation, I wasn't ready to handle dealing with others' drama. Tyler, apparently, wanted me to do so. Guilted me into talking to him, etc. After I annoyed him from my delirium, he let me go. He asked me about Tarot cards. I don't know anything about them. I don't know what card is which. I have no knowledge in this area. But he told me the card meant hinderance, that he got it twice. Well... I have no clue what his hinderance is. The next day, we ended up having this conversation that just literally wiped me out. I was so tired. And the thing was... I doubt he listened. Gah. And then he got so annoyed at me because I kept sending him quotes. I think I sent him maybe 10 at most. But, after a point, lol, Manda told me that annoyed him... so I just sent 2-3 more just to annoy him further. Then when he told me that was enough... I told him that was cool, that I was gonna go anyway. Ohhh, he had to count to 3.... lol... in order to keep from going off on me. I so did not care at this point. Actually.... that was the point.

I'm horrible, I know. I honestly do have the ability to do things like that with most people. I can piss most people off like that. I know how to push their buttons, etc., I know what they dislike. And I know how to just mess with their minds. But normally, I choose not to. I don't like doing it. And in fact, I can't remember the last time I've done something like that before last night. It was something minor. But I was annoyed. I was annoyed at the fact that the previous night he had expected me to stay up so long and talk to him. He had expected me to help him with problems. And that yesterday, he wanted me to do the same. I am not ready for that. It annoys me that he probably will not listen to me. That he probably won't even try to change himself cause that's how he feels, although, it makes him feel miserable. It annoys me that when his friends are happy or whatnot, he gets so SO jealous. It annoys me because as much as he says he won't do that to me, he has. That's him teasing me about my grades, me studying, etc. Making me feel like crap for actually trying so hard. He did so well at that at first, because I LET him. I shouldn't have. But I was naive and thought he wasn't like that. And now? When it comes to those aspects, I just don't listen. I did it for all those reasons.

If I take a break from him now, it'll really hurt his feelings. So, I can't do that. But, I can be busy or asleep, or whatnot.

Last night, before I called Rach, I talked to Manda. She'd called. I'd missed talking to her. But, I told him I was gonna go call Rach because that way, he wouldn't be mad. If I had of ran off to call Manda, good lord, I would never of lived that down. Same thing if I had of just run off cause I was talking to her. Well, he called her, first thing, cause he wanted to bitch about his day. She didn't answer. And she later told him that she was talking to one of her other friends. He got annoyed at her for talking about her friend and how he's a decent guy. Just like he gets annoyed at me for talking about Eric. But, she lied. Tiny white lie, she had talked to him earlier. The timing was just off. I'm getting where I feel I can trust her more than him...we'll see how accurate that is. But ya know, it's always somewhat easier to trust someone else who's reluctant about trusting. Do you know why? They value trust more than people who are easily to trust.

I called and talked to Rach. It's been well over a year since I've talked to her. It brought back a lot of memories. But, I heart Rach, lol, I do. I've missed talking to her.

I should call Miss April soon. Perhaps this weekend sometime. If a certain time would be best, let me know, please?

I went to hang out with Jake the other day. It was so weird. We haven't seen each other in over a month. We really haven't talked all that much either. I finally feel a difference between us. I am so far from him... now. I just. I don't know. I heard the phrase "Me and Katie" so much. And I don't know, I just didn't have much to say. I can't mention Tyler. And blah. I just kinda wish for once all of my friends would get along. But, that's too, entirely too much, to hope for. It was just awkward. I don't know how to describe it. I felt distant from him. I felt that way with Eric. And now, when we've spoken, I don't. I realize we both get caught up in our own lives, but, you know... I think he'd be there for me. He and I are different from how we were, but, he made it more evident the other day that he wasn't giving up. I can trust him to mean what he says and to know his intentions are good.

Anyway. I don't know what to do with Jake. Everytime I tried speaking, it was like he barely heard me. And, merk. Whatever. Things will heal with time if they're meant to.

Ya know what's weird? Having a place where you scraped off some skin and watching it slowly repair itself. It's somewhat fascinating.

Alright, my conversation with Manda last night. It was interesting. She's going to go to the community college that's 80 miles away. I really don't want her to. But, it's her life, not mine, and if that's what she thinks is best... then that's where she should go. I'm not overly concerned about her staying there for the next 2 years. She really wants to come back to State. She knows it's best. So, hopefully she will. But I had thought about it the other day. Honestly, I like her too much to give up now. I told her that I hoped she did know I wasn't going to leave her alone, even if she was going to school there. She said she certainly hoped not. And later, her mom was telling her to call the financial aid department, etc. and such. I said she didn't sound like she was looking forward to it. She said no. Then she told me that she misses me soon thereafter. For her to say that.... big deal. It's letting down her guard. Letting someone see that yes, she does care enough to miss someone. It's showing somewhat of what is considered to be a weakness in her mind. I miss her too. I have for a couple of weeks. But I have not let myself say that to her. I didn't say it back last night, it kinda stills the significance when one just tosses it back like that. However, I did say a month was too long to go without seeing her.

Now, I think, I've gotten everything out that I want to get out.
Haha.