The Life Of Me.

12th August 2005....pm and some of life's questions

Wow....things with Martin are fixed....I'm not quite sure how they are lol...but they're fixed. He's going to come away with me and not go to Harvest. I don't think that's what he really wants, he insists that he honestly thought he could have done both...but that if it's one or the other, it's me. I'd choose me. Well...him.

Another amazing thing...Mum asked me if I'd like to go to Rome with him for my 18th! All expenses paid of course...but how amazing would that be! I love travelling and going new places, and think...in a different country, on my own, with the love of my life, in ROME! I've never been to Rome, I've been quite a few places in the world, but Rome is such an old city, full of wonder and culture and history and memories. I love stuff like that. I guess only problem...Martin hates flying. He's only been on two planes in his life...but he's got this awful fear that they're going to crash...I *really* want to go to Rome with him, I think it would be an incredible experience that I will always, *always* remember. He said he would go with me though, which is lovely...I hope he does. If not, I guess I'll go with Charlotte or something. God, I'll be 18...it's only three months away.

I hope he's allowed to come camping with me too...if he wants to...I hope he does...we can't really afford to caravan...unless Alan tows Martin's one....which would be fab. Ah, I don't know. It needs to get sorted, but Martin hasn't asked his Dad yet (18 and needs to ask if he can go away lol, his parents treat him like he's a kid, he deserves a lot more credit), so he might not even be allowed. He says he's just gonna come even if he's not allowed...but we'll see. It's great that I'm allowed! I was amazed...A couple of months ago, my b/f's weren't even allowed to stay at the house! Maybe I've matured, maybe they're giving me a chance to prove myself, maybe they really like Martin and realise that he's my "the one". Maybe it's all of them! I hope I don't fuck things up...I want to make them proud...

Exam results in 6 days! Oh my God, how much I have failed lol. I know I have...and even if I have, I will be disappointed, because yeah, I didn't try hard enough, but I did try. And I never get bad grades...so it's going to be weird. Meh. I hope I do okay. Going to try to go into work tomorrow, hopefully I'll be okay with it. I'm only working two weeks in the summer, and so far I've worked 7 hours lol...instead of 30! And I'll be getting paid for it! Yeah, that's great...but I am truthfully not well enough to come into work...which isn't my fault! But yay lol. I'll go in next week and work my ass off, show them that I'm not a slacker...

Well, I'm going to go to bed soon, only 9.30pm, but I won't sleep that well anyway. I miss Martin. I miss talking to him, and I hate knowing that I can't. Hurm.

Just watched I Heart Huckabees. Was a really interesting film, quite funny in places, very confusing...but it raised a lot of good issues, I thought. I really do think everything is connected, we are not alone, we have eachother. Like the movie that's about to come out, Crash...I think it's all about how we can't feel anything real anymore, so by crashing into people, causing pain and hurt, we just want to feel something...because feeling something, is better than feeling nothing at all. I think that's true. Some people are so confused by life, so unsure of *why* they're here. I used to be like that...I dunno what happened...I just thought I'd better start living, yeah I'm pretty lazy...but I'm happy. I try my best. I love my man, I love my family and friends. I think I was put here on Earth to help people. Whether that's through doing my therapy, or even something less mundane, I will help people. Martin has a way of helping people...he just seems to make people laugh and smile, he genuinely just brings joy into people's lives, and that's a gift I really admire. He cares *so* much about people, and yet, he's still himself. He never changes. He's a really genuine guy. I am lucky. So many people bullshit themselves about who they really are, who they want to be, what they want to do with life, and that's a waste. You're allowed to like what *you* like, you shouldn't feel pressure by anyone else to feel, think or do what you don't want...yeah, there are rules for people's safety and feelings...that's okay...but say, I liked metal music, but "everyone" says that isn't okay...I think it should be. What I like is important to me, everyone has their own opinion and it shouldn't be laughed at or shunned. We are all individuals, but we all have the same common goals. We all want to be happy, we all want success, we all want some form of love. Whether that comes from our mothers, our boyfriends or girlfriends, our friends, our dog...we all need some type of attachment, we crave it. We don't want to feel alone. The truth is, we're not. We're all striving for the same thing, doesn't that make us the same? Some people aren't very nice...beneath it all, beneath all the hurt and pain and suffering they've had to endure and overcome, they just want the same things. There is a reason why everybody acts the way they do, everybody deserves a chance at happiness, at love, at success. I do realise that I would be being naive if I truly believed that everyone is good and that everyone deserves a chance. People who have murdered for no good reason have committed a crime, they should be punished...but that's not what I'm on about...I'm not talking specifics, I'm talking about people, us. I'm talking about how we need to be there for eachother. About how we should regard eachother with respect and honour, be aware that everybody just wants the same thing as us...why can't we help eachother? Wouldn't that make everything that little bit easier? How many times have you lost out on something because someone intervened. But why did they intervene? What caused them to act that way? There must have been something...there must have been a point, an occurrence that caused things to happen in that way. And it might have been able to have been avoided. Like that film, Pay It Forward. If one person does something nice for someone else...be it, only smiling at someone...that really does change someone's day. If you're rude to someone, that could be the catalyst for you're own unhappiness, and probably theirs too...I really don't think it's hard...to just be *aware* of other people, and be aware that we are all connected. We affect eachother, and although some people are selfish...I think that this message needs to get through.

I will try harder. I've been affected by the good work of other people, and I want to try harder. I want to affect people in a good way, change their thoughts, their methods of thinking...even for just a second...I want to affect change...Change is inevitable, progress is not. We should all help eachother to progress. This life is for sharing, we're all here at the same time, just trying to attain the things we want, why can't we help eachother?

I don't know...that all came out pretty randomly...I'm not sure any of it makes sense...but think about it. Smile at someone, change their day, affect them.