Life with an Addict

marriage

My married life has been one of constant struggles and heartache. There have been times when I've hated my husband, times when I honestly didn't know if I loved him or not and even times when I wondered what my life would be like if he were to pass away. I've never wished him dead, but I've thought about how it would be if he were. I was sick with guilt over feeling this way until I read a book a woman had written about her life with a compulsive gambler. She said the same thing so I came to the conclusion that it's a normal reaction to such a confusing life.
People question why I'm still here, they find it hard to understand why I can't just walk out. I'm not sure what keeps me here, I guess part of it is because he's ill. If he had cancer or ms or some other serious illness I would stand by him without question so for me to leave I think I'd feel guilty. However, I do accept that there may come a time when I have no choice but to leave him.
I love my husband, and after he was charged with robbery there were times i loved him so much it amazed me. That was the first time in years the gambling didn't seperate us by an invisible wall. Everytime he gambles he pushes me further away, not just because I'm angry but because he's so defensive that he yells at me for ridiculous things. One night I put a bottle of water in the freezer for him to take to work. He snapped at me because it wasn't full enough.