Straight No Chaser

Zyzyx

1. what was the first car your family had?
a sandy beige volvo. i don't remember the model number, but it was one of those really safe, really boxy ones, and at least twelve other families on our street had the same one. over the years i lost count of the number of times my mom tried to put her key into someone else's car.

2. what was the name of your first pet and why?
my first pet was a translucent white angelfish named angelfish. my brother had a black one named bangelfish. we picked those names because, at six and three, our imaginations hadn't really begun to flower yet. for what it's worth, angelfish had her name first.

3. how did your first pet die?
a tragically overcrowded fish tank that no one ever cleaned. the algae-suckers went first, electrocuting themselves on the bubble-maker thing, and then angelfish poisoned herself by eating her own poop, and those little neon pink and blue fish (we called them flickers) dropped like flies till bangelfish was the only one left, and by the time we noticed and got him into a newer, cleaner tank, it seems heartbreak got the best of him, and he went to be with angelfish for all of eternity.

4. what was the name of your elementary school?
takoma park elementary school, for the native americans.

5. who was your best friend?
in first grade it was brigid mccarthy; in second, sarah dreher; by third i'd entered that awful kelli valdez phase and then it was all downhill.

6. are you still friends today, and if not, what happened?
she destroyed every living scrap of my self-esteem, and then i guess i became uninteresting to her. also, you know, middle school and boys and such. also she stole my journal just slightly too often.

7. what was your favorite board game?
it was, and is, scrabble.

8. did you play house or other make believe games?
yes with a vengeance. we did role plays for years, creating really complex identities for ourselves, until we got too catty and couldn't get through a single scenario without offending each other. kelli was "kristina lynn dicora" and i was "dominique jasmine kelly," and then we were kelli and shannon again, but married to sexy twin brothers from venice, and between us we had forty-four children because we were just that altruistic, adopting imaginary babies right and left so we could spend hours scribbling their names on every available surface. then there was a weird shift, and we were kristina and dominique again, thirteen (a few years older than our actual selves) and trying to savant different romance things, probably failing but who knows? we were at a girl scout sleepover once, huddled in a corner ignoring everyone else, talking about our made up alter egos, and i think i asked kelli if "kristina" had ever been to second base with her boyfriend, and she screeched "NO" so loud i thought she was going to break glass.

9. were you a dungeons and dragons geek?
no, but i was every other kind of geek.

10. did you sleep with stuffed animals as a kid?
yes.

11. do you still sleep with stuffed animals?
my yellow elephant ruffles, who is approximately the same age as i am and sometimes plays "it's a small world" when you wind him up, has never slept a night without me. he is good to cuddle after a cry or just in general. sometimes after marcus comes over, he smells like him.

12. who was the first person you looked up to?
my mom, i guess.

13. who was your favorite relative?
i've answered this.

14. were you short or tall in elementary school?
neither, but coltish, unforgivably so. i didn't get tall till later. i haven't grown an inch since ninth grade, so i'm sure you can imagine what middle school was like for me.

15. were you teased in school?
yes, yes, a thousand times yes! i was black, bespectacled and a brain. not the best formula for blending in. i had braces for eight years, also, and i didn't learn how not to make a fool of myself until, like, sophomore year in college. i was a disaster.

16. what was the name of your favorite teacher?
shirley williams.

17. what was the name of your least favorite teacher?
frog breath, as i recall.

18. what was your best subject in school?
i trumped 'em all till about seventh grade.

19. what was your worst subject?
p stupid e.

20. did you do well in physical education?
i got good grades, i guess, despite trying my hardest to fail every semester. my dad was friends with the elementary school guy, and then in middle school it became a little more subjective, more written tests and "personal bests," and then i was fine. if i were to take elementary school-level physical education right now, i'd almost definitely fail.

21. were you clumsy when you were younger?
let's put it this way: on more than one occasion, while concentrating really hard on a difficult math problem, i forgot to stay upright and just kind of...slid out of my chair. this happened at least weekly. and i ran into a glass wall one time, on a day when i was walking around with a book in my hand.

22. who was your favorite band as a kid?
fourplay, unfortunately.

23. what was your favorite movie as a kid?
tie: the nightmare before christmas and all dogs go to heaven.

24. did your parents read to you?
lots, until i started reading to myself.

25. did you have a favorite book?
time windows by kathryn reiss, and various ghost stories by mary downing hahn. and, of course, the phantom tollbooth, which every child should read. also, i went through a three-year phase during which i devoured baby-sitter's club books like they were candy. then there was a serious danielle steele phase. basically, i liked trash. my literary edification took place mainly in middle school.

26. what was your favorite restaurant as a kid?
hunan manor.

27. on what tv or movie star did you have a crush?
i didn't start having crushes on males till i hit puberty. before that, it was pretty, intelligent women, most of them realtime. i guess i had a crush on lori loughlin. she played rebecca donaldson on "full house." i don't have great taste in women, honestly.

28. do you now wonder what you were thinking?
not really. i hear most preadolescent girls focus that kind of energy on other females. i don't know why that is. heterosexuality suits me now.

29. who was your first crush in school?
alex piazza, seventh grade.

30. as a child, what kind of car did you want when you grew up?
a red ferrari. which is funny, because the way i turned out, it would have been so ridiculously unfitting. everyone would have laughed.

31. did your parents spank you?
when i was bad.

32. did your parents fight a lot when you were a kid?
i remember one fight that seemed to shake the walls, but other than that they seemed pretty functional, at the time. i rather liked them for that.

33. did your parents get divorced or stay married?
they're still together.

35. did you ever run away from home?
no.

36. how old were you when/if you first got glasses?
five, giant plastic red ones. tina remembers.

37. did you need braces or a retainer?
both, for a long long time.

38. if you're female, how old were you when you got your period?
thirteen.

39. if you're male, how old were you when you had your first wet dream?
how does a wet dream happen? i understand the basic principle but the mechanics baffle me. doesn't an orgasm require some amount of penile friction? how do you have one just...lying there?

40. both sexes--when did you start shaving?
age eleven, at sleepaway camp. peer pressure ahhhh.

41. how old were you when you first masturbated?
i plead the fifth. would you believe me if i said i never did?

42. girls--when did you start wearing a bra?
when i was twelve. what a horrible year that was.

43. both sexes--how old were you when you had your first real kiss?
fifteen, randy.

44. who was your first kiss with?
oops, randy.

45. what was your first kiss like?
awkward and illegal.

46. how old were you when you went on your first date?
thirteen.

47. who was your first date with?
i think his name was michael gonzalez. it wasn't so much a date as it was me baby-sitting his little sister, and the two of us winding up on a futon in his basement, exchanging tales from our limited caches of romantic memories.

48. what did you do on your first date?
oops.

49. how old were you when you first drank?
sixteen.

50. how old were you when you first did drugs?
i gets high on life, baby.