The Life Of Me.

1st September 2005

Not having the best day really. I'm still in Essex. I think I overprepared myself for the worst when it came to seeing Nanny, she doesn't seem that bad. She has lost so much weight, she can't talk very well and she often gets disorientated and confused, but other than that...she seems to be making progress, at least that's what's been said. I'm not going to get my hopes up that she'll pull through this though, I'll just regret it. Take each day as it comes. It's Grandad's anniversary today. We went down to the crematorium...it's always so peaceful there, always makes me mellow...I've just kinda gone into the wrong side of mellow, the despressed sorta kind.

Martin aswell...he promises to do things, and doesn't...and in a way, I'm jealous that he's going out tonight, fucking advertising where he's meeting on MSN, and I'll be here...waiting for my Nanny to die...I feel like crying. And he just went offline without saying bye, then said I hadn't done anything. I'm sure I have. I always have. He never does anything wrong, ever. It's always somehow my fault. I'm sorry but I'm not apologising for being upset about my Nanny and Grandad...and I suppose I should apologise for my behaviour towards him going out, but I think it's understandable. Him getting rat-arsed with all these random fucking people, which always worries me anyway...there will always be more beautiful and charming people...and I'm always afraid that he'll find them, and fall in love with them. I'm not that special, I can't think that I will hold onto him forever, as much as I'd love to think that I could. I will love him my whole life. It's engraved on me now. Deep inside of my brain, my heart and in my veins, it's engraved and will never come off.

Meeeeeeeh. I wish he were here instead of having fun. I wish he could be nicer to me sometimes.

Our weekend away was lovely though. We argued a bit towards the end, but that was just tiredness I think. Had long talks, lots of romance and passion, and just general fun. I enjoy spending time with him.

Was really weird getting on the plane by myself on the way here aswell...Hurm....I don't know what to do. He claims he's going to phone me soon. My arse. He always promises to phone me but always has some excuse why he doesn't.

I feel lonely. With no-one to vent my feelings to except a computer. I just want a hug but I don't want to have to ask for it. I need comfort. Bleh.