Straight No Chaser

Inside

our saturday night: my keys in krystle's house, krystle's keys in krystle's house, krystle's house door locked, krystle's roommate off somewhere in decatur, my car parked in front of krystle's house with the interior light on, my car door locked, four hours spent perched outside krystle's house, waiting for the locksmith/mario and oduduwa, who were supposed to come by and teach us how to break into my car with a coat hanger, so my battery didn't die. said adventure + weak tonsils = my first october sore throat. quite possibly the most inane adventure ever, because we didn't go anywhere; we were tethered to the front yard, afraid to be accosted by vagrants, hungry and snipey and wanting to pee. and then, after the boys came by, inexcusably whiny, both of us. and after all that we didn't get to go to wal-mart, or to sean's apartment, and i STILL left my rice box leftovers in her fridge.

woe is the sand-covered island princess. here's some shameless procrastination:

1. first off what is your name?
shannon.

2. have you ever fantasized about getting yourself cloned (either a same sex or opposite sex clone) so that you could date yourself?
hell no. a male shannon would be too thin, too emotive, too quirky, i'd laugh in his face if he ever asked me out, and hell no. disgusting.

3. are you a good liar?
no. (gotcha!)

4. do you like the girl/boy next door type?
what is that type? does it just mean fresh-faced, innocent, blond and available? i see nothing particularly inoffensive about that type, but i prefer my men handsome, savvy, dark and brutal. and it helps if they live in louisiana.

5. have you ever dated the girl/boy next door?
my family is markedly antisocial. we've got eight next door neighbors, and i don't know any of them by first name.

6. his/her mom/dad is pretty hot though, right?
a woman who steals your love when your love is really all you have isn't much of a woman. that, at least, is my opinion.

7. do you fall in love easily?
no.

8. how about out of love?
no.

9. do you believe in revenge?
no.

10. are you someone who believes that there is one true love for you somewhere out there in the universe?
quelqu'un doit tirer le fabricant de cette étude.

11. and when you make decisions, would you rather be fair or correct?
i would rather be both, and i would rather have everyone listen to me, but i've grown accustomed to just being right all the time.

12. at a restaurant, do you send food back if it's not what you expected?
i don't like confrontation.

13. when you spend a lot of time alone with someone, you begin to think of him/her as:
a good candidate for the "would you rather" game.

14. lots of people fall in love for the wrong reason. do you have dental insurance, hot stuff?
tuh.

15. give me your best pick up line:
"gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?" but only when i'm wearing a plus-sized strap-on and hitting on easy women.

16. have you ever faked a british accent?
yes.

17. has a british accent ever faked you?
yes.

18. is love just A BIG FAT LIE?
THE BIGGEST AND THE FATTEST. GOD, DAMN THE LOVE THAT LIES TO US.

19. do you believe in love at first sight?
no.

20. for blind people?
clever!

21. if you like someone, do you usually ask them out?
no.

22. would you ever go on a nude beach?
yes, but not nude.

23. by friday afternoon do you usually know what you're doing on saturday night?
no, because everyone important in my life is horribly flaky and unreliable.

24. suppose a girlfriend or boyfriend that you were really into said one day, "you and me just aren't right for each other," and dumped you right there. did you notice the poor grammar?
no, do i look like a nerdy english freak?

25. do you have an easy time talking to strangers at parties?
yes, drunk people send my self-esteem through the roof.

26. if expense weren't an issue, would you want a cell phone?
i don't understand the question.

27. someone tells you you have great nostrils, you:
flare them aggressively in his direction.

28. do you frequently listen to headphones or sing to yourself when you're walking around?
endlessly.

29. do you talk to yourself?
not exactly. sometimes, when i'm writing a story, i test out the way the words sound out loud, because it feels like the only way to get the full effect. but the purpose of talking to oneself is defeated by the human capacity for silent, linear thought.

30. if someone offered you a chance at the thing you wanted most in the world, but in exchange you could never tell anyone about it, would you take it?
no, because at my youthful age, the actualizationof my personal desires is not nearly as important as the praise and acceptance of my peers. duh.

31. what do you do after sex?
shower, i guess.

32. would you rather take an essay test or a multiple choice test?
multipart, some math, some reading comprehension, some multiple choice, some short answer, two essays to cap it off. i like tests.

33. would you rather shop for clothes with friends or alone?
alone, so i can strike sexy poses in the full-length mirrors.

34. after you hang out with a group of people for a while, do they adopt your slang more than you pick up on theirs?
don't know, but when i write a story with someone, our styles sort of meld together, which is interesting.

35. do a lot of people know the real you?
i do.

36. do you like having your picture taken?
on good hair days.

37. are you superstitious?
not really, but i've got a pretty outrageous numbers of little rituals left over from childhood: i won't step on a stair more than once, or at all if it's got an object on it; i don't like for the fingers on one hand to touch each other more than the fingers on the other; if i'm reading aloud and i skip a word, i always find a way to insert it later, even if it's not written. things like that. does that make me superstitious? i don't have any particular beliefs on what would happen if i failed to do any of those things, so i don't think so.

38. aren't babies incredibly special?
no, i hate babies.

39. and aren't movies better when they're based on a true story?
yes, evita is better than every other movie ever made, ever.

40. do you truly have a favorite color--one color that, besides just looking good on you, you really love?
i love green, but it doesn't look great on me, not at all. i look good in black, white, browns and pastels.

41. is smoking wrong?
not so much wrong as, just, harmful and unnecessary.

42. after you're dead, would you rather be forgotten or hatefully remembered?
hatefully remembered.

43. what kind of movies do you like best?
good ones.

44. do you best express yourself through talking or writing?
oh my god! the black guy who plays chad on "passions" is in a maxima commercial!!!

45. does )||( look dirty to you?
yes, it looks like the shaft of a very short, upturned penis.

46. what's your orientation, big shooter?
quiero a hombres.

47. and how do you feel about age? specifically, what is sexier, someone older or someone younger?
true love knows no bounds!

48. do you like someone taller or shorter than you?
taller.

49. now describe the perfect body for a mate:
well-defined thorax, long antennae, capable olfactory glands.

50. are you a star trek fan?
no.

51. what do you feel is the best form of contraception?
marrying a eunuch.

52. and be honest here. how often do you masturbate?
i am being honest. i don't.

53. have you ever performed a strip tease?
yes.

54. how do you feel about pornographic films?
the human body is a thing of beauty.

55. how many people have you had sex with?
thirty-nine domestic, four hundred eighteen internationally.

56. how many people have you performed on or received oral sex from?
one and two, respectively.

57. have you ever engaged in a sexual activity with more than one person at the same time?
when you're this busy, sometimes you have to double up.

58. have you ever had sex with more than one person in the same twenty-four hour period?
all in a day's work.

59. have you ever had any sexually transmitted diseases?
no.

60. have you ever been involved with someone who was married to someone other than you?
no, he just won't tie the knot with that poor paradis woman.

61. how do you feel about being tied up or handcuffed?
rope makes me itch.

62. have you ever given or been given a hickey?
been given, never given. boys don't like being sucked on.

63. and approximately how many days has it been since you last had sex?
oh wait, scratch that last answer.

64. do you believe it's possible for two individuals to have an emotionless, healthy, sexual relationship (i.e., sex like rabbits, but without all those lovey-dovey bunny emotions)?
i think anything's possible, but statistically it's a no-go.

65. this pie tastes like my bird:
that's because you cooked him in, stupid.

66. do you think it's important to find love?
sure, but it's better to let it find you.

67. backing up, let's talk about your childhood. were you a happy kid?
like i tell everyone, i wasn't particularly self-aware till late in high school, so i don't know. i remember summer camp, i remember beach trips, i remember leadership retreats and awesome teachers and techno, but i don't remember how i felt about anything till the tina era.

68. were you abused?
not by my parents.

69. were you an only child?
technically, yes, for three years, but my parents also raised my older cousin, so i never experienced the privileges associated therewith.

70. were you an only friend?
i'm getting sleepy.

71. were you canadian?
once or twice.

72. do you always wear underwear?
none of your damn business. and also, no.

73. on a scale of one to ten, please rank the importance of love during sexual intercourse.
i thought we were off the sex stuff. i'd say a nine, but i'm an idealist.

74. do you carry condoms?
if my sexual safety were reliant on my remembering to carry condoms, i'd have ten kids.

75. you think love is best nurtured by understanding, compassion, trust or need?
meg says certain cultures invert their questions (i.e., "is love best nurtured by understanding, compassion, trust or need?") while others don't ("love is best nurtured by understanding, compassion, trust or need?"). i'm supposedly at the intersection of the two groups, and equally wont to do either, though usually my questions scramble themselves before i ever open my mouth ("love, is it, like, compassion, trust, need, what do you, like, best nurtured, what best nurtures it, um?").

76. in a relationship what is least important; good looks, personality, or sex skills?
d) the ability to properly place a semicolon.

77. if you were really old, and married, and in love, whom would you want to die first, you or him?
selfish either way. both at once, in a swift and tragic accident.

78. do you own a midget who serves you sex in the night?
no.

79. is sex without love okay?
weapon-assisted premeditated homicide is okay; it's what happens after that matters.

80. have you ever fantasized about being or being with a prostitute or stripper?
yes.

81. have you ever looked at porn on the net?
not intentionally.

82. have you ever had cybersex?
no.

83. have you ever been photographed nude?
um,

84. have you ever been paid money for a sexual act?
no!

85. do you know how to fire a gun?
yes.

86. if you could shoot someone and get away with it would you?
one person.

87. have you ever cheated on anyone?
no.

88. have you ever cheated on someone repeatedly?
no.

89. have you ever worn leather?
i can fuck any girl i want, because i look good in leather.

90. have you ever stopped to consider that your skin is a type of leather?
i have now.

91. do you like to dance?
yes.

92. do you like to spend time outside?
i am an earth mother.

93. do you find thunder and lightning erotic?
sort of.

94. would you rather "make love," "have sex," or "f"?
how does one "f"? i'd rather make love than fuck, and having sex is just some combination of the two.

95. now pick three adjectives that best describe how you feel about yourself?
that, was, toolong.

**********

The fruit won't stay down. Tiny bites of bird won't stay down. And then, astoundingly, even cool water won't stay down, and just when Aaron is getting desperate, she announces that she just wants to rest, and does, in his waiting arms. Shivering perceptibly, even against the warmth of his body, a flush staining her cheeks like twin splashes of grenadine in hot caramel.

"If anything happens to her," she says, "it's totally my fault."

"You're both going to be fine," he he tells her, running his fingers across her forehead, brushing the leftover sand from her skin. His full-body cooling system idea worked better than expected, very well, maybe too well--she can't get warm, hours later, however tightly he holds her. "She's tough. She's got a heart like a snare drum." Purely wishful thinking, this mindset that's turned thuppathuppathuppa into SIS BOOM BAH, but this is what they need now, to believe in their baby. His strong hand supports the slight weight of Shannon's torso; the other winds down her side, through the crook of her elbow, splays itself carefully across her belly. "And anyway, you weren't the only, we both--"

"I'm her mother," she breaks in quietly, watching his fingers draw slow designs atop the still swell. "She's punishing me for hating her. And it was only for a few days."

He draws a ragged breath. "Then maybe she's punishing me. You remember how it was before I caught the first pig. I had nothing but hateful thoughts then, at the beginning. I can't, I couldn't--this wasn't what I planned, procreation-wise. I thought I had years before I had to try to care about a baby I couldn't see. An on-purpose baby. I know I want you. I've never been sure about her. It still floors me that she's, you know"--he rubs--"here, or coming, to this island where we don't even belong. I can't say I'm not conflicted about it. And I'm sure she can, I've always, I've always wanted to believe she can feel us both. It wouldn't be fair, otherwise. Except that now, that means I've--"

His voice quavers and he stops, and Shannon turns away.

*

With the fever gone, her thoughts are coherent again. An unhurried wind catches the hem of her white sarong and lifts it, exposing smooth sun-bronzed legs. She sits beneath a palm tree, poking her toes just outside the circle of shade, and sighs as they tingle in the high noon sun. Sliver-thin rays sneak in between the overhead fronds; her pen's rhinestone cap flashes. The rain finally stopped, she writes.

*

She's gathering fruits, the pinkish orange ones she likes best; he comes up behind her just in time to watch a dozen or more spill from her overburdened arms.

"I don't even know how you're standing up," he says, kneeling to collect the ones she's dropped. "You haven't eaten a fucking thing in three days."

She glances down at him, frustrated tears glistening in her eyes, and lifts a shaking hand to resume her picking.

He stands and turns to stare at the sea. "Still nothing?" he asks without looking at her.

She inhales and presses a fruitless hand to her abdomen, as if hoping to detect from the outside what she can't from the inside anymore. She's still for a moment, her breathing heavy, and then she shakes her head. "Still nothing."

His head throbs. "Quit picking and go lie down," he commands. "We've got enough goddamn fruit."

*

It isn't fair. They've played for her, sung for her, given her slapdash geography lessons and labeled her she. She can't punish them, not like this.

They both dream of her every night now, sleeping curled up together, supplication buzzing between them like a current, four hands on one belly in case, just in case, please god, she should stir in the night.