The Life Of Me.

4th October 2005

Nanny died yesterday. It's very weird. Today was really hard. I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I was two hours late for school, and I had to get a taxi otherwise I knew I just would never get there. I got into school...saw Joe, burst into tears. Went to Spanish, burst into tears. Went to Drama, burst into tears...Then I kinda got better...at least I think I just got my mind off things. Feeling a bit lethargic still. Went to netball though, really enjoyed it. I'm starting to get fitter and starting to understand the old tricks of the trade again. Played really, really well. Am starting to like Goal Shoot...less running, but more tactics I think...I like it

Am feeling awful about Nanny...at least my mum got down there in time...but I just wish mum would come home...want to give her a hug, want to get some comfort in return. It's weird having to deal with this on our own. Yeah, we've got Alan...but I want my mum. She's not even coming home until saturday...that's like 6 days without my mum to deal with the death of a really close relative...Meh...that's kinda selfish I suppose...she needs to sort things out down there...but I do miss her. And I feel completely abandoned by Martin today...I really needed some support, to know he was there for me...and every text was really abrupt...and he's just been "too busy" to text me or ask if I'm okay and actually caring about the answer.

And fucking Carl text me. It's like pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaase, leave me alone! Or is it...I don't know...I feel bad on him, he is very lonely. And Joe's friends with him :-S Which I find very weird since he hated him. Maybe Carl's changed. Maybe the army's made him grow up a little bit. Which can't be a bad thing.

God I want my mum. And I bet mum's thinking the same thing about her mum...and she'll never see her mum again. Like...what if mum never came back...I'd be broken. This is really hard. I feel sorry for Alan too...I bet all he wishes was that he could down to see Mum and care for her. But he can't. Stupid work. Funeral's not for three weeks 'cause Nanny's priest is on holiday. Which is poop. Long time to not be able to have some closure. Don't really know how to feel...Think I should keep busy. It doesn't hurt when I'm busy...