Life with an Addict

finding my way back

Sometimes my world is a difficult place for me to be. The trials drain me to the point where I exist as if walking through a fog.
This past month has been a struggle as I'm nearing the second anniversary of my mothers death. It's always a dreaded time for us but this year seems even more of a challenge. Maybe because I've been faced with so many little obstacles. The usual money problems which have just become a way of life. Life is also spinning so fast for me....I have an 11 month old son who clings to me constantly which makes household tasks difficult. I babysit 2 other children and at night when the baby goes to sleep I'm too exhausted to tackle laundry or dishes. My fault...I should be better organized and I'm trying but.....
I'm hoping that when I get a washing machine I'll be able to catch up on everything and get back on track. Washing clothes out in the sink is not difficult, just hard to keep up with.
Last week I found a spoon in my bathroom....burnt black on the bottom. I'm not an expert on drugs but I'm no dummy either and I know I"m in trouble. He denied it of course, said it must have been our teenage son playing around with fire. I knew he was lying but don't have a leg to stand on and then I found another one.
It seems like lately I'm in trouble for something all the time. Yesterday I took the hairdryer out of the closet and left it on the dresser knowing that my husband would need it. He was furious because it wasn't in it's usualy place. I just thought I was doing him a favour. Then on our way to town I yawned 3 times, that really irritated him and he said "smarten up, I should have left you home"
Theres always something stupid I've done, something that annoys him. I grow quiet and go into a daze hoping not to say anything wrong but then he thinks I'm cranky and gets annoyed so it's all been for nothing.
Just when I think my husband can't do anything to surprise me he proves me wrong. He becomes more of a stranger and I drift further away from him which angers him even more because he thinks I don't love him. I'm lost and confused and struggling to find answers. So many thoughts have crossed my mind lately. A brief moment of ending my life which is not a serious thought, just a brief lapse in sanity. I've thought of taking the kids and just disappearing, I've even wished to colapse so that I could escape from reality for a while. I was prescribed oxycodone a month ago for pnemonia and only took four of them. I've even thought of going back on them so I can be happy, energetic and get my act together, at least until I can sort things out in my head.
I've even thought of asking him to leave which opens up an entire new box of trouble. I've been there, done that and it wasn't pleasant. It's not like he's happy either, sometimes he looks at me with so much hate that it actually makes my skin crawl.