The Life Of Me.

18th October 2005

Hmm...what's been happening since last week. Mum and Alan went to Amsterdam, Katie had a party without asking me or Mum...had to kick the lads out (her boyfriend is a complete arsehole - he goes to private school and is an arrogant little bastard - and I hate him), and they fucking argued with me. Martin stayed over however, so that was as lush as ever. Love sleeping next to him. Getting used to how hot it is with someone else nakey in my bed lol. But I love it...I love knowing he's right beside me.

We had another argument about me going out. Went out with Charlotte on Saturday night, and I really didn't know I was going out...I was complete tramp clothes...ended up going clubbing. He kicked off...he doesn't like it when I go out because he gets paranoid that I might cheat on him. Which is ridiculous. I'm in love with him...for me, that's something amazing and unique and real. Nobody I could meet in a club, or anyone for that matter, could compete with that. Nobody could compete with him either. He's incredible, we have so much fun together, we understand each other and know what each other needs. Why would I want to ruin something so right for me? I've waited years to feel like this, I'm not going to throw it away. Not when I love him as much as I do...

And Paris is soon! Only 17 days until I'm 18 too then Paris the weekend after. I want to lose lots of weight before I go...but it just won't happen lol. Going to try and go for a run every day, or do some sort of exercise. Netball tonight, run tomorrow, run on thursday maybe. Just sick of looking in the mirror and hating my body. It's just awful to look at. So fat and lumpy and blurrgh. Yucky. Don't know how he can find me attractive lol. But he does...so I'm okay for now. I'm absolutely starving too. Going to eat less shit. Going to eat less altogether. I've got a greed problem. I never let my stomach feel full...I mean...I just keep eating without even thinking whether I'm full yet. Your stomach takes 20 minutes to know that it's full...and I never do that...I just keep eating...and that's pretty bad lol. I'm not even that overweight...I don't think I am "overweight", just that I'm a funny shape....Which sucks.

Bought a suit for Nanny's funeral, absolutely gorgeous. Just need a top and some gorgeous shoes. Want to look nice for when I say goodbye, and make a good impression on the family too. Not going to sing...don't think I'm ready for stuff like that. Maybe a wedding . Wish Martin was coming with me though Spose he's been to enough horrible funerals without having to come to my Nanny's....wish he would though.

Hmm..I'm bored as fook. Got a lesson in 15 mins and then a free, then Psychology. And completely forgot my folder...and I knew I had it! I even thought about bringing it and thought no...let's not lol. So stupid...Bleh....Miss Martin. I love him so much.